Zanu (PF) October madness

There is a familiar aroma in the air.

It was October 2014 when Grace Mugabe commandeered a state helicopter – because that’s what the wives of dictators do. She dragon-flied across the country, telling anybody who had been unfortunate enough to be force-marched to her rallies that Joice Mujuru was intent on toppling the president.

Grace took with her Oppah Muchinguri – a woman with whom she had once reportedly had an altercation, over rumours of impropriety with her husband the president. Also in the First Lady’s entourage were Jonathan Moyo and Emmerson Mnangagwa.

The latter sat in his chair on the VIP podium, wearing the contented smirk of a cartoon villain whose plot for world domination was unravelling as planned. Oppah played the eloquent hype woman, presenting Grace as ‘Queen Mother’ and shouting ‘feel the orange crush’ – a pun on Grace’ sprawling estate in Mazoe.

Henpecked into silence
Grace levelled numerous accusations against Mujuru – most of them unproven – ‘I have Joice wearing a mini skirt on video, Joice is not a nice person, Joice wants to kill my husband and leave me without money for shopping trips to Dubai, I really don’t like Joice’ – paraphrasing of course. Robert Mugabe kept quiet, as if he had either been henpecked into silence – or was he in on the plot?
When the President eventually spoke, he did what men have been doing since the Garden of Eden – blame a woman.

‘You women must put out the fire you started,’ Mugabe said, in apparent reference to the Zanu (PF) women’s league’s invitation to Grace to join active politics.

While one man was blaming a woman like Adam – ‘the woman whom you gave to be with me’ – another chap was speaking in defence of a harassed woman.

‘These allegations are false, they are the work of forces who want to bring about regime change. What people must bear in mind is that VP Mujuru, whether you like it or not, as of now is Vice President of Zanu (PF) and the country. Until any changes take place, she remains Vice President. We cannot have the Vice President of the country being treated the way she has been treated’ Rugare Gumbo said.

A man possessed
The result is that Gumbo was jettisoned from the ruling party. As a parting shot, Mugabe, like an unreformed school bully, bragged about torturing Gumbo, whom he once held captive in a hole in the ground in Mozambique. Those whom the gods wish to destroy, they first make mad. And then the gods added more madness, in the form of witchcraft allegations – that famous tadpole speech:

‘One of the n’angas said look for two tadpoles of different colours. One should be named Mugabe and the other should be called Mujuru and put them in water. They were made to fight and if Mugabe’s tadpole died then she (Mujuru) would rule. Now if mine won against yours, it seems that is what happened then,’ Mugabe gabbled.

Another Mujuru ally – Jabulani Sibanda – spoke in defence of the besieged former VP. The other anti Mujuru schemer, Jonathan Moyo, was in charge of the information ministry then. The ZBC gave ten uninterrupted minutes to an opponent of Mugabe, knowing that with every word he spat Sibanda tightened the noose around his own neck.

The former leader of the war veterans association unleashed a tirade in which he spoke of a ‘bedroom coop.’ Didymus Mutasa – Mujuru’s co accused – sat, clapping his hands and nodding along to Sibanda’s incoherent rant. It was hardly an example of oratory skills but it was enough to see the belligerent Sibanda get locked up on a convenient charge of undermining the authority of the President. Mugabe’s response showed his true colours of brutality.

‘Jabulani speaks like he is possessed by the devil. We hear that Jabulani Sibanda stopped some buses from coming (to Grace’s rally). Is Jabulani now ruling the country? I heard he wants to go to war against me. So with his war veterans he wants to fight me with my soldiers?’ Mugabe said.

Coup de Grace
Mutasa and Sibanda would later get thrown out of Zanu (PF) along with Temba Mliswa and Kudakwashe Bhasikiti, notoriously described by Mugabe as being ‘in the wrong basket.’

Rugare Gumbo was confident that team Mujuru would prevail at the December elective congress, thanks to the former VP’s grassroots support. ‘These are people who were elected, who are supported by the masses and they are popular. Even if you ask for an election, they will win because their cause is just,’ he said. How do you win an election against a more popular candidate? Simple really. If you are Robert Mugabe, you basically change the rules.

After announcing an elective congress, Zanu (PF) did not hold the anticipated poll to select national chairman and two vice presidents. Mugabe, intuiting victory for the popular Joice Mujuru, changed the party’s constitution – all on his own. To give the plot some modicum of democracy, votes of no confidence were passed on several provincial chairpersons who were believed to be in league with Mujuru.

It was as if Mugabe thought that if ever the auditors came snooping around they should find plausible documents, showing that a democratic process had taken place. In a party filled with so-called ‘gallant sons and daughters’ there was not one peep from the Politburo. Suddenly Margaret Dongo was vindicated – ‘they are all Mugabe’s wives,’ she once said.

Déjà vu
Exactly a year since her first ‘meet the people’ rally, Grace Mugabe has brought out her colourful java print dresses again. The aviation fuel which we all know to be in short supply was miraculously sourced from heaven-knows-where and the “First Lady” is again holding rallies. Who could it be she is after this time?

‘Some will say because I fought the liberation war I have the right to do whatever I please. Are you the only one who fought the war?’

Croco burger delight
While the first lady ominously begins to make noise, last year’s co-conspirators, Emmerson Mnangagwa and Jonathan Moyo, are standing like two pugilists in opposite corners, lacing up their gloves.

On 15 October, a twitter user with the handle @joe_maimonides tagged Jonathan Moyo in a tweet bearing the image of a crocodile, with a caption ‘He waits patiently for the most opportune time, whence he bites with massive force.’ Professor Moyo quipped, ‘Is this a real crocodile or an ambitious lizard?’

On 17 October, above the image of a hamburger, suitably garnished with lettuce and tomatoes, Moyo tweeted ‘Croco Burger is a real Zim delight!’  Later that day, Moyo announced the passing of his daughter, Zanele, whose body was found with a contusion to the head at her Cape Town flat. South African police say they are looking for a man named Chingwena.

Understandably, Moyo has since been absent on social media.
Mnangagwa – taciturn as ever – has not responded to Moyo’s tweets – if at all he was the target. Crocodiles lie still, like logs floating on water, drawing ominously closer to their prey.
It is October. There is a familiar scent in the air. It is not the jacarandas. – Till next week, my pen is capped. Jerà. Twitter: @JeraZW