Of earthquakes and congresses and things


WARD 12, PARIRENYATWA HOSPITAL, HARAREThere has been a lot of activity in Zimbabwe over the past few weeks, what with the earthquake and the MDC Welshman faction’s congress, and the emergence of our very own rocket scientist Arthur Mutambara.

But my dear friend Mujubheki doesn’t quite seem to understand what is going on and what it all means. He came to me the other day and asked why AGO Mutambara had been invited to join the MDC. “Why does a leader have to be invited to come home to join a party? Why did he not come and join the struggle of his own free accord like us here?”

As far as he is concerned, he said, AGO would always be a guest (muyenzi). What would have happened if the Welshman group had not invited AGO to come and lead the party? Would he ever have come back home of his own accord? I agreed that this did not show a particularly overwhelming commitment to the struggle.

While I was explaining about the intricacies of Zimbabwean politics, Mujubheki started rambling on about Mugabe’s 82nd birthday bash in Mutare. We agreed it was very strange that Mugabe had once again gone on a gay-bashing episode. “There’s more to this whole gay thing than meets the eye. You mark my words,” Mujubheki said darkly, winking and twitching like crazy. “Those who make the most noise about hating gays are usually gay themselves.”

And to think it was only the other week our Dear Leader was telling the new British ambassador that he should use his time here to mend bridges between Britain and Zimbabwe. I suppose Amai Boy had been bashing his ear about how depressed she is that she cannot go shopping again at Harrods. But that didn’t seem to last long. Five minutes later he was attacking that same Tony Blair again and accusing him of wanting to recolonise our country. What message does he want to convey exactly? I wouldn’t blame the poor ambassador for being terribly confused.

But all this news was overtaken by the earthquake. My, that was something. We all hid under our beds because we had read somewhere that that is the safest place in an earthquake. Although at the time we didn’t know it was an earthquake of course. In fact most Zimbabweans, I am told, thought the disturbance was caused by thieves.

The nurses from Ambuya Nehanda maternity home came through here on their tea break to announce that newborns discharged the next day included: Shakes Dube, Vibration Kunonga, Tremble Magwaya, Tremor Dangare, Tectonic Muzondiwa, Kudengenyeka Charovachii, Richter Sibanda and my own favourite Earthquake Maposa.

Prominent Zimbabweans allegedly commented:

Tafataona Mahoso (MIC) – EARTHQUAKE? What Earthquake? These are malicious allegations to discredit Zimbabwe ahead of the visit by the IMF.

Rev Musindo (just another overzealous Zanu (PF) supporter) Yes! we thank God for President vedu, on his birthday it will be remembered that there was an earthquake, that goes to show without doubt that he is God-chosen to run this country.

Francis Nhema (Tourism) – Yes Zimbabwe is a safe tourist destination, with many natural wonders, first it was the Solar Eclipse now the Earthquake, we would like to assure everyone who missed it that it will happen again same time next month so they can start making their bookings.

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