$3trillion for birthday party

The plan is for a carefully marshalled army of the President’s youthful followers – called the 21st February Movement – to descend on the border town of Beitbridge to celebrate the octogenarian leader’s birthday. Aged between four and 14, they will all wear bright red scarves and chant undying loyalty to their “one authentic and consistent leader”.

Andrew Langa, chairman of the 21st February Movement fundraising committee, said this week each of the 10 provinces has been tasked with raising $300 billion, bringing the total to a staggering $3trillion, bankrolled by Zimbabwean taxpayers, very few of whom think it is money well spent, despite the movement’s attempts to whip up enthusiasm.

“We are expecting 25,000 guests for the President’s birthday party,” Langa said.