It’s been awhile since I last updated you on my mission here in South Africa, but I would like to assure you that everything is going according to plan.
I have been interacting with your children across the country and I am so pleased to tell you that they are grateful to you for making them flee their place of birth. Every morning on my way to work, I pass them at street intersections looking jovial, or loitering in the CBD. It’s so evident they are enjoying their stay but it’s worrying because they no longer want to return and thank you in person.
At home they had to make do with one meal a day, but here they go to bed on full stomachs thanks to well-wishers who give them their leftovers. To make sure the feeding is not confined to the robots, our embassy has joined hands with McDonalds to provide every alien a decent daily meal of two loaves and three fish. To avoid fake aliens taking advantage of this once in a lifetime programme, I have asked every hungry boy or girl to produce a Zanu (PF) membership card, signed and stamped by their village chief, in order to qualify for a meal.
I guess by now you have heard that our brother, your anointed son Julius Malema, was given leave with a special salary, until his tender is processed. I absolutely agree with him when he says there are counter revolutionary forces determined to see him bite the dust, but the big chunk of those forces are in his tiny brain and the rest are somewhere I am not at liberty to disclose. For ages now I have been urging him to pay you, the remaining Brother Leader, a second visit to learn how to deal with anti-revolutionaries. Just in case you forget, I gave him a hint – Border Gezi. May his soul rest in peace.
Until recently I wasn’t aware that your influence extended to this side of the border. South Africans look up to you in absolutely everything from land reform, to nationalisation of mines, to spitting vitriol at the madam and the tea girl (the DA). We are their trendsetters. Where in the world have you heard of a ruling party that goes around murdering its own people and then glorifies its actions in song? I am referring to the song Mbiri yechigandanga by our late minister Elliot Manyika. So, last week I wasn’t surprised when Malema confided in me that he will be doing a song similar to ours but glorifying his tenderpreneurship to boost his popularity ahead of the upcoming ANC elective national conference.
I am fast running out of patience with people who question your patriotism alleging that you did much to destroy your country of adoption. These western agencies blatantly ignore the fact that, despite proudly paralyzing entire government institutions, you never ran away from your troubles. You have been ill for some time now but you get squizzed along with us in government hospital queues. It’s a known fact that you don’t seek medication abroad.
Word on the grapevine is that tea boy Tsvangirai is calm at the moment as he is enjoying the perks that come with his premiership post. Tell him to stop changing wives as he will never find anyone who can fit MamaZimbabwe-Susan’s shoes. How is Madhuku? Tell him to step down from whatever position he holds in the NCA before he can point the middle finger at you to do the same. Actually, he is the dictator himself because he is forcing the people to vote for him. Boss, my gut feeling tells me that in the next election people are going to delete us with a majority vote because it’s no secret that we are the ones who brought this hard-won feardom they enjoy.
From the onset of the so called Arab Spring that swept away your Brother Leader I have convened countless meetings with local and foreign dignitaries, assuring them that no such thing was going to transpire in our beautiful country. This is thanks not only to our well-oiled police, but to our one and only Professor Joe Moyo for compensating our youths political disgruntlement in the status quo with music. He made it easy for every ordinary man to make senseless music and get plenty of radio airplay. Every young man you meet on the street is a celebrity. For them life is good as long as they can make music and get seen on TV. What is Arab Spring to them? Perhaps Arab Sing or an Arab thing. Forget America, enter Zimbabwe where celebrities outnumber ordinary Joes.
I have to end on this note because I’m gearing up for an all-night meeting with the South African Home Affairs leaders to allow a second dispensation to legalize your children here in Egypt before they return to Canaan.
Lastly I would like to say don’t stress about the Wikileaks allegations questioning your health, live your life to the fullest because wikileaks is not God.
Your ever obedient son,
Zimbabwean Ambassador to South AfricaPost published in: Letters to the Editor