Matters of heart

Dear Aunty Lisa

Hello Aunty, I’m a 22 year old girl and I am in long distance relationship. My boyfriend and I love each other so much but the problem is he is just so insecure. He is insisting on banning me from social sites such as Facebook because he does not want me to interact with boys. He says he does not like it when other men give me nice comments on my pictures. Sometimes he accuses me of being “bitchy” for having so many male friends on Facebook. I have never cheated on him and I don’t have any intentions to. He takes what I write on Facebook seriously and accuse me of telling the whole world who I am. – Rose

Dear Rose

Trust and Love are two inseparable things. They are like a heart and heartbeat. Your man cannot love you well without trusting you and he has to learn to respect you as well.

I see nothing wrong in having male friends. Being insecure comes with the long distance between the two of you. Your man sees every man as a possible threat because he cannot be with you himself. You need to understand him and help him understand that he is the only one for you. Controlling the number of male friends you have on social sites or banning you there altogether will not stop you from cheating if you are truly “bitchy.” He needs to understand how committed you are and you need to give him reasons to believe you are.

I don’t know what he means by complaining that you tend to tell the whole world who you are but I would assume you are being too personal with your status updates etc. If he does not like you discussing your private life on Facebook, you need to understand his concern. Relationships are all about compromise.

Communicating is very important. Talk about it freely with him and make sure he understands you value the relationship as much as you do. – Aunty Lisa

Caught between 2 men

Dear Aunty

I am caught in between two men. I have this really nice guy I have known for years. He makes me laugh and is one kind man. He loves me and wants to be in a relationship with me, telling me that he is ready to settle down with me if I am ready. But there is another man in my life. We have been going out for a year. I am 27 and he is in his late thirties. We met after he was heartbroken following the end of his five-year relationship. The problem is that he says he is not ready to settle down and he doesn’t seem quite ready to stop partying. He says I am fun to be around and l will feel bad if I leave him. Do I choose a guy who is ready to settle down and start a family or stay patient to the one I have – not knowing when the bird will finally land? – BigSister

Dear BigSister

I get a feeling that the first man you talked about really loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. The second one only “likes you” and wish to have you as his “show-off girlfriend” to friends for a very long time. Do you get the difference?

What you want now is a serious relationship and judging from your age I want to believe you are done partying and having fun and are ready to start your own family. But now you seem to be subconsciously choosing the second man because you feel sorry for him. You seem to be with him because you want to comfort him. It is time you make decisions based on what is best for you and stop playing Mother Theresa at your own expense.

Confess everything to the first guy and say that you love him and you want to be honest. If he takes a gulp and still is ready to commit, and then trust me you have found a great partner in him. – Aunty Lisa

Forced marriage

Dear Aunty

I am a aged 18. I have been in a forced marriage for three months and I divorced that man when I was pregnant. Now I have a four month-old baby girl. My parents want me to be in another marriage again but I am not willing. They don’t want to support me any more and I don’t have anywhere to work. What should I do? – TeenMum

Dear TeenMum

I am sorry for the situation you are in. It is sad to have your own parents forcing you into marriage at that very age where they should be helping with your education. They may not be to blame as sometimes the difficult situations we find ourselves in force us to make decisions we would not make under normal circumstances.

But still, this is your life. You cannot let anyone destroy it for you. Your baby is a blessing; please always see that little girl as such. Being in a marriage when you were not ready was not your fault. It did not happen because you chose it; there are people who chose it for you. But you need to learn to speak your mind. You are faced with the same situation again now and it is only you who can stop the same mistake from happening again. Explain to your parents how bad the last marriage was and make them think if they want their daughter to suffer again under another stranger’s roof than to persevere together knowing one day you can be someone in life who will take care of them.

In the meantime, keep praying that you meet someone who can save you from your financial troubles. Talk to people in your area who can help you with sourcing for piece jobs to earn some money. If the father of your daughter is employed, it is important that he pays for her maintenance. – Aunty Lisa