Dear Aunty
I am a teenage girl finishing my A Level education this year. My sister’s husband has been paying for my fees since my parents could not afford it. He has been supporting me a lot with books, uniforms and fees. I am doing well and I owe my success to him. But the problem now is that he seems to be trying to arrange for a relationship between me and his young brother. His brother is a good guy and we have always had a good social relationship. I find him attractive but the thing is I am not ready for a relationship now. Maybe later! But how can I say no to them when I owe them this much? – Lady C.
Dear Lady C.
One thing you need to correct in your mind is that you don’t owe them anything. It is good to appreciate all they are doing for you, which is a very good thing. But they are helping because they want to and because they can; not because they have been forced to. Having you in a relationship with the young brother is NOT part of the deal. Your reason for refusing the relationship will be acceptable to any person in his right mind. You need to concentrate on your studies without any distractions and I am sure your sister’s husband will understand. If he makes his intentions clear, you need to be honest with him and explain how important it is for you to keep focused ahead of your final exams. Right now you are assuming what his aims are – you may be wrong. But you need to know that you have the right to choose who you date without feeling compromised in any way. – Aunty Lisa
I need some respect
Dear Aunty Lisa
I am having a problem with my wife. I don’t know if this is what you may call women empowerment. She is so disrespectful of me and makes me feel like a child in front of our kids and visitors. She is so talkative and is always negative of anything I suggest in the family. My pride is being wounded and I wonder if seeking happiness from a small house will be the solution. I deserve to be respected as the head of the house but I am not getting that respect. She is the bread winner in the family and that is what drives her to take me for a worthless husband. What do I do? – Dad
Dear Dad
I believe in a relationship couples should share ideas for decision making. I am not sure how you arrive at decisions in your family, but being head of house does not mean declaring your ideas and making decisions without discussing them with your wife. In a case where you may not agree, the husband has the right to make the decision for the family. It has been like that culturally and biblically, but it is not to say men should rule their homes with an iron fist. It is wrong for your wife to take advantage of her financial prowess to challenge you as the head of the house. But you need to assess when this bad behaviour of hers started. Was it something she showed even before she started working or did it start after earning more money than you? Sit down with her and explain how her disrespect affects you emotionally and how it will soon affect your relationship. Turning to a “small house” will not be a solution but rather another problem on top of the other. If talking to her will not help, you need to include some well-respected people she is close to. Explain what the problem is and how it affects you and have them to talk to her.
It is important that you both feel respected by the other in your relationship. If she had felt you did not respect her before she may be hitting back not knowing how damaging it is to your relationship. There are also some women who take the idea of women empowerment the wrong way. She will be wrong to think that she is being empowered or fighting for equality by disrespecting her husband.
The bottom line is she needs to respect you as her husband as much as you need to respect her as your wife. She has to accept that you are the head of the house, despite the fact that she is the bread winner. – Aunty Lisa
Dad breaks my heart
Dear Aunty Lisa
My father is very emotional and sometimes says things that break my heart. When I try to explain some things to him I end up sounding as if I am challenging him. He does not like it and he ends up threatening to beat me up. I am 22 years old and I respect that he is my father. I just need him to accept that I am no longer a boy and soon I will be married and making my own decisions. I don’t want him to think that I disrespect him and I don’t love him. What can I do? – Tim
Dear Tim
I understand your concern. It is not easy for parents to let go of their sons and daughters as they grow up. Accepting that he/she is old enough to make his/her own decisions will always be a difficult thing to do for most parents. You need to understand why your father hopes to keep you under his arm forever. You just need to be tactful in slipping away and he will accept it with time.
Discussions can turn out to be nasty when they are not handled carefully. There needs to be one speaking voice and some listening ears. If your father is the type that never stops speaking and never offers his ears for listening, you need to accept who he is.
For you to have an opportunity to speak and be heard, avoid speaking at the very moment of the discussion when he expects you to be taking in some notes. Find a time when you can start the discussion later on when he is calm, giving your point of view. It helps showing him that you listened to what he said before and you have considered it.
You can start by telling him that, “In our last discussion regarding this, you suggested that I do this, but what do you think of the idea that …..” At least he will appreciate that you value his opinion and while you have another point, it is up for consideration and discussion without necessarily brushing off his. – Aunty Lisa
Post published in: Lifestyle