Matters of heart

Dear Aunty Lisa

My in-laws seem to think that I am the one telling their son never to buy them groceries any more. My husband and I have been married for a year now and we have been blessed with twin boys. Because of our family’s financial needs he can no longer buy them groceries at the rate he used to, though he is making sure they have all the basics. My in-laws no longer like me as they used to do and all the excitement and talking dies down when I arrive. It’s something that is eating me inside and you always talk about the importance of communication in relationships. Should I confront them and tell them I have never told their son to stop buying them the goodies? – Melinda

Dear Melinda

Yes I have always said communication is key in any relationship. But it is important to be careful what we are communicating and how we are doing it. You do not have evidence of what you are saying. From what you told me it seems you are assuming that the tension between you and your in-laws has been caused by the limit in groceries you are sending them. No one has ever communicated that to you. Some assumptions turn out true but you do not want to look stupid after realising it is nothing close to that.

The best thing you can do is to talk to them and let them know how you feel about your relationship. Tell them you feel there is a tension between you and them and you wish to understand why and change it if you can. They may be doing what they are doing subconsciously and it will help relieve you to make them aware. – Aunty Lisa

Problems with dad

Dear Aunty Lisa

My father always pushes me to study and does not seem to believe that I can pass my A levels. I have always been responsible and I study a lot but he feels it’s not enough. I am now feeling more pressure from him rather than my studies. What can I do to make him trust me? – Lisa

Dear Lisa

First you have such a nice name (smiles.) I don’t know what your past results were like, but your father may be acting the way he is because your performance may have been dropping in recent months. As a concerned and loving father he will try and push you. He is doing that because he loves you and he wants you to pass. I don’t think it is a trust issue. It is a parental concern issue. If you have been coming out with good grades in the past you have something to present to him and kindly ask him to stop pressuring you because such stress levels are not good for you. Explain that they will actually prevent you from studying effectively. Let your father know the amount of pressure he is putting on you is detrimental and persuade him lovingly that you will perform better without that pressure. – Aunty Lisa

How do I tell him?

Dear Aunty Lisa

I am head-over-heels in love with my man. We have been going out for four months now. He has always tried to take the relationship to the next level. He is requesting a sexual relationship and I have always told him we should wait for the right time. I have a secret that may destroy our relationship. I found out that I am HIV positive six months ago and because I have been in denial I have been hesitating to tell him until now. I don’t know how to tell him and I don’t know if I want to tell him because I will lose him. What can I do? – Ella

Dear Ella.

This is a very difficult situation – but it is important for you to tell your man the whole truth about yourself as soon as possible. You don’t want to live the rest of your life wondering if he will still love you when he knows the truth. Why not live a truthful life? It is better to tell him now and you will know the truth about him; if he loves you for who you are or not. You say you love him so much – so surely you want to protect him from getting the virus? if you are finding it difficult to tell him about your status yourself , why not suggest you both go for counselling and testing. You want your relationship to grow and take you to the next stage of marriage – but you can only build a future on a foundation of trust. – Aunty Lisa

She can’t speak Shona

Dear Aunty Lisa

I am very concerned about my wife who is taking ages to learn to speak Shona. She is Xhosa and I married her a year ago, she had promised me that she will learn to speak Shona so that she can communicate well with my family. My mother is always trying to speak to her in broken English. I am embarrassed when we travel to my rural home and she can’t speak in local language with our rural folks. They now tease me for marrying a South African. Please help me, what can I do? – Forbes

Dear Forbes

I see no difference in women from different borders. They are the same, beautiful, strong and resilient. Languages are just ways to communicate, the fact that one woman does not speak another’s language does not make her a lesser being.

You are the one who is sending them the wrong message that if a Zimbabwean man marries a South African woman, and then he has failed. Love has no borders my brother. They are the ones with that bad ideology but you are confirming it and agreeing with them by allowing yourself to feel embarrassed by your wife. There is no rule that says she must learn your language when you probably can’t even speak Xhosa. You need to teach your people to appreciate her. When you met and fell in love with her, she did not speak your language. You appreciated and saw her befitting to be your wife; now you need to convince your family what a great person she is. Once you show them how much you appreciate and love each other they will start to accept her. – Aunty Lisa