I hear that 28 political parties have lined up to contest this year’s general election. To be honest, I don’t know the names of more than 20 of those parties, and I am not embarrassed over my ignorance – some kinds of knowledge don’t bring you any value.
I am not worried about the high figure. For all I care, we can have as many parties as the sands of the sea, as long as they bring issues with them. If they have tangible objectives and clear visions, I would listen to them.
Yet most of the political parties springing up like summer weeds do not have any idea why they were formed in the first place. They cannot even lobby for donkeys to be granted citizenship! What grates my teeth most of the time is the claim by these shadowy parties that they have solid support bases and are therefore going to win with a resounding margin.
They are in the habit of making unannounced visits to the newsroom where they bore you ad nauseum. By the time they leave, you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Of course, there are some that make you laugh so much with their weird claims you spend a whole week bedridden with a sore ribcage.
Some time back, a lanky bearded man claiming to be the President of a newly formed party burst into my office with a scrawny-looking “Secretary-General” in tow. I asked him whether his party had a manifesto, to which he responded by proudly pulling a creased piece of paper from the pocket of a jacket that was equally crumpled.
The “manifesto” only talked of removing “the dictator” and replacing him with their party leader, all filling three pages but said in different ways. Such was the quality of an aspiring president of the country who could think of nothing but getting into power.
I get very irritated by one Egypt Dzine-Munenzva of the so-called African National Party (as if there was ever such a thing!). He is in the habit of crawling out of his hole in Hwedza every time he hears that an election is nigh, before boring everyone who cares listen to his rigmarole.
I would not mind him talking about how far he has travelled to look for his stray goats, but for him to say he can be Zimbabwe’s next president is an insult. It brings into disrepute the august office of the presidency and surely makes Zimbabwe a laughing stock.
Now Hosiah Chipanga has joined the circus with his Mapipi entourage. He also wants to be president and has always had this vision of ruling over a glitzy Zimbabwe, like Nebuchadnezzar. I don’t mind people dreaming, as long as they keep their dreams to their wives.
Yes, Chipanga makes clever lyrics in his songs. Yet he cannot fill a living room with revellers and his Kwachukwachu dance is one of the funniest I have ever come across. Imagine a president who would punctuate his State of the Nation address with the hasty and untidy Kwachukwachu routine! Over my dead body! Imagine him coming to open Parliament and everyone is shouting: “Kwachukwachu!”
I am annoyed by the fact all these people who claim every Zimbabwean is behind them and form political parties are plain attention seekers hoping to get something from some donor. Of course, there are always gullible donors ready to give to the hazy formations.
And some of these are good pets for established parties. Imagine a case in which Morgan Tsvangirai pulls out of the poll race for some reason and Zanu (PF) desperately needs a party to endorse the outcome. The latter would not have a problem with sponsoring Kwachukwachu so as to give a semblance of democracy.
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Post published in: Analysis