Matters of heart

Killing me softly

Dear Aunty Lisa

My sister I need to know what you personally think is right on this. I have been deeply in love with this guy for almost a year now. I’m 23 and he is 29, we just click in everything, I no longer want him as a friend, I have deep feelings for him and I know the feeling is mutual. The problem is that the man seems hesitating to declare his love for me because it may break our friendship if I say no. What he doesn’t know is he is killing me softly by not proposing. I know if I don’t take the first step of telling him how I truly feel, he won’t. Do you think it’s such a big deal for a woman to propose love to a man, should I tell him or not and die silently in love? – Pretty

Dear Pretty

Some may think it is wrong for a woman to propose love to a man, but I believe in people, men or women, who exercise their freedom of expression. It is your right as long as it does not deprive or compromise the freedom of the next person or those around you. There is a risk that this man may feel he has been undermined or sexually harassed by the way you express yourself.

But you can always do it in a respectable way. Let out how you feel and appreciate someone and do understand that it is indeed different from presenting yourself as one loose and desperate woman, because I understand you are not. What you will be in this regard is an independent modern woman who is free to let out what is in her heart without being held back by some barriers erected in our lives by other retrogressive aspects of our African culture and history.

I would not be surprised if later in life we learn that America’s first lady, Michelle Obama, when she was working at a downtown law firm and assigned the role of advisor to a summer associate from Harvard, Barack Obama, in 1989 she immediately fell in love with him and offered to take him out for a date. This is the modern world and I don’t see anything wrong with being part of it. – Aunty Lisa

Spirit possessed?

Dear Aunty Lisa

I have been married for a year now and my wife seems possessed with some spirits as she gets unconscious often. I have confronted her family but none of them were able to explain the situation or offer help. They now accuse me for suggesting that they were bewitched, which I never said or hinted. Help me, what can I do? – Honest

Dear Honest

I understand how devastated you are. But your wife being unconscious often does not mean she is obsessed with some spirits. You need to seek professional medical help with your wife before you let your imagination go wild.

There are also genuine prophets who can help you explain what it is your wife is suffering from if you are sure it has something to do with being possessed with some spirits. If your wife is pregnant it is high likely that she may suffer from these unconscious moments. Work towards mending your relationship with your wife, and her family members, and avoid involving those who will not be helpful. – Aunty Lisa

He wants sex

Dear Aunty Lisa

I’m a 17-year-old girl. I have been dating a 24-year-old guy for almost two months now. He asked me to have sex with him and I refused. I’m now worried whether he still loves me because his behaviour around me has changed, he is really acting weird and passing comments that suggest that he does not want to be associated with me when we are around his friends. – Worried

Dear Worried

When I was your age, I was fortunate not to have any young man I dated asking me to sleep with him, probably because I never dated guys much older than me. But even when I was 20 and starting to date older men, I set my principles straight.

I knew I was not ready for sex and I never regretted losing any man who DUMPED me for the reason that I was not giving him such intimacy. I knew I was going to be safer without him – rather than having him pretending to understand so that he tricks me into bed with him later.

You need not to be worried when a man appears not to love you because you have denied him sex. It is all he probably wanted from you in the first place – if his love suddenly dies with your negative response. Relationships and even marriages are not just about sex. They are about companionship. When you are building a relationship as a teenager, I advise you to take your time to know your man before involving yourself into a sexual relationship with him. Having premature sexual relationships have led many men and women into making the mistake of marrying a partner they are not fully connected to.

Sex tends to hoodwink people into overlooking the personality of their partners, which they may fail to cope with later into marriage. For the record, it is a wise decision for you to deny your two-months-old lover sex. If he is now acting weird like you say, don’t worry. He may have felt embarrassed when you refused him his offer. It’s not easy for him to start acting like a friend again when he has declared his feelings. He is probably feels so embarrassed.

You need to assure him that you still love him and that your saying no to sex does not mean otherwise. Then you will also need him to be open with you if he still loves you after you turned down his offer. By confronting him you will know your answer and need not to worry each time he is acting strange around you. – Aunty Lisa

Post published in: Lifestyle

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