Matters of the heart

Will he be gay?

Dear Aunty Lisa

My 18-month-old son seems to love playing with dolls. Boys are known to play with toy cars while girls play with dolls. I had a friend who teased me saying he is going to grow up to be gay. I am now afraid what it is true. What do you make of my son’s behaviour? – Baba Two

Dear Baba Two

There is nothing to worry about here; your son is very normal. He is being himself. Boys are known to play with toy cars because their parents buy them with the belief that it is masculine and we tend to want to conform to the expectations of the society. Otherwise kids play with whatever they are exposed to. Your son is showing interests in dolls because he has them around. A girl of the same age would play with toy cars and toy guns and love them if she was exposed to them, but that would certainly not mean she is lesbian.

You can safely teach your son how to cook, how to take care of his siblings when he grows up and it will not make him a woman. Worry not; your friend is just being mischievous in a very nasty way. – Aunty Lisa

Should I do chores?

Dear Aunty Lisa

I am a 25-year-old woman; my boyfriend says I should visit his place to do his laundry and most of the household chores for him. He has not married and yet he wants me to act like his wife. But he does not act like my husband. He complains that I ask for too much money from him for everything that I need as if he is my husband. Why should I be taking care of him when he does not take care of me? – Anna

Dear Anna

The fact that you are being dependent on him and asking for money from him is at the root of his demands. He wants you to do things for him because he believes he cannot be giving you money for nothing. Whoever said a woman should always get financial assistance from the man? You present yourself as someone who is only good at doing laundry and his place is to earn money for you. For as long as you do not strive to empower yourself to work at a job that earns you money, you will give him power to rule you.

Our roles within the household need to be negotiated. It all works well when you are in agreement about what you do for each other. You don’t need to stay in a relationship where you feel you are not respected and appreciated. At least do not be docile about it.

Communication is important in any relationship; whether you are married or not. Talk to your man and make him aware of how you are important in his life. It is important that you both work on something that helps you earn money so that he does not feel burdened when you ask for financial assistance. – Aunty Lisa

Where is dad?

Dear Aunty Lisa

I am taking care of my late sister’s child and the problem I am facing is that I don’t earn enough money to give her all she needs. When my sister passed on, I saw it proper to take responsibility of her daughter, who was only 12months old at the time. Her father has not been in touch with me to find out how his daughter is doing and to help with her upkeep. I feel that I will be troubling him if I phone, I don’t want him to think that I am after something else. What do I do? – Mai Pamela

Dear Mai Pamela

It is not clear what agreement you had with the father of your sister’s daughter before you took the child. But I am sure it was not going to be a problem if you had discussed how you were going to be in touch with him in the beginning. I do not see any reason why you should hesitate to contact him and get to understand why he has been silent. The man should have his reasons and you have the right to know.

He should be responsible for his daughter. If you are to be there for her as a mother it is fine, but her father is needed in her life. There is nothing wrong with you contacting the girl’s father to let him know what she needs. It is only a problem if you took her by force without his agreement. If there is anything bad you did or said when you took the girl in you will have to acknowledge it and apologise. But if he is just being irresponsible you will need to file a court application for him to pay maintenance for his daughter. – Aunty Lisa

No longer confident

Dear Aunty Lisa

I am a University student in Zimbabwe and I have been having problems with my classmates. I no longer feel confident to say out my views during discussions in class because they always crush my points. The other time I felt I was really making sense, which our lecturer was agreeing – but because I said it they kept arguing. I hate being docile but what can I do when I am always treated as an outcast? – T.P

Dear T.P

You are not treated as an outcast. That is what you think and you are making it “true.” Remember when they argue they are fighting to be heard. They believe their opinion is a fact just like you believe in yours. This is why they keep arguing – and by keeping quiet or accepting to be silenced you will only prove to them that you accept their views.

They have the right to say what they think just like you do. All you need to do is make sure that you stand by what you believe and you speak up to be heard. Every opinion, thesis, theory or idea in life is met with some conflict. People will not always agree with you. But you should be ready to convince the next person why you think the way you think. It is possible that you can knock some sense into their heads and that way you will earn their respect and silence them. Be able to argue your points through. In tertiary education there is no wrong or right answer – as long as you support your points with evidence. Do not back down or surrender yet, the battle is on. – Aunty Lisa

Post published in: Lifestyle

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