Matters of heart

I want him punished

Dear Aunty Lisa

My husband recently abused me physically. He is not usually like that, whatever had got into him I did not like it and I wanted him to be punished for his actions. I am someone who hates domestic violence and any man who commits it – even if it’s my own. So, there I was at the police station reporting the matter. I don’t understand how and why the police appeared to empathise with him. They kept asking if I was sure I wanted to take up this case and insisted that I could choose not to report him at that point. I kind of felt stupid and left the station without taking it up. Was I right to take the police’s advice and are they right to advise me to withdraw such a case? – Gladys

Dear Gladys

I am sorry about your experience and you were right to report the case. All you wanted was justice and I do not see anything wrong with that. Domestic violence in some cases is persistent because the victims choose not to report the perpetrators.

I think there is a difference in someone questioning whether you are sure of what you wanted and advising against something. It must have been your conscience that told you not to report him because you knew he had never done it before and you were still wondering what could have been the cause.

A number of people misunderstand the police when they question if they are sure of their choice to take the matter to court or not. The whole idea is to make sure that you do not feel like changing your mind along the way. With the domestic violence act there is no room to withdraw your charges. A number of women appear confused telling the court it cannot arrest or punish their husbands. It is not that the police feel sorry for the perpetrator of violence, but they are doing their job to make sure that you will not be reporting him out of emotions and the next day after he says sorry to you then you want to withdraw the charges.

So, in your case you could have followed your heart and they were never going to stand in your way. In their case, I think what policemen need to do is also explain fully the reason why they will be asking whether you are sure of making the report so that people do not misunderstand them. If you still feel strongly about this you should go back to the police. – Aunty Lisa

Man enough

Dear Aunty Lisa

One of my sisters-in-law visited my home two weeks ago and found my husband bathing our six-month-old son. Yes, my husband is good like that. He loves his kids and feels he needs to take part in every part of their upbringing. So, my sister-in-law did not say anything but I am sure she said something nasty about it when she returned to my in-laws because my father-in-law is now constantly calling his son to tell him that he should be man enough to control his wife.

He claims that I disrespect him by ‘tossing’ him around. My husband has never listened to them and continues to love his family. I am afraid they may end up telling him to leave me for another wife or something. What do I do? – S.M

Dear S.M

There is nothing for you to worry about here. Your husband does not listen to them and continues to love his family the same way, which is all you need. Their misconceptions are not going to change the real man he is and you need to continue loving him for that. You ask what you should do? I say relax, enjoy your marriage and love, and keep pretending that you know nothing about their grievances. I call it laughing in face of danger – it pisses the lion bullies off. – Aunty Lisa

No laughing matter

Dear Aunty Lisa

My husband is very free spirited. He is the man who can socialise with anyone in society, which is not a bad thing. My problem with this is when he is laughing and talking with the maid each time he is at home, yet he is never laughing like that with me. I am cross with my maid who no longer knows her boundaries and my husband who seems to like this girl. I hate appearing jealous to my husband and tell him to stop talking to our maid, but what can I do? – Lonely P.

Dear Lonely P.

I do not see anything wrong with your husband talking to your maid. The only awkward and painful reality is him being so happy around the maid and not his own wife. I do not think he is intentionally doing it to make you jealous since you have indicated that he is a ‘free spirited’ man.

The issue here is not why your husband is laughing with your maid; it is why he is not laughing with you. You need to check on yourself and see whether you are promoting an environment for him to be like that around you. If you are a person who is always uptight and complaining about everything then it is not him who needs to change. Stopping him from laughing with the maid will not make him talk to you in the way he does to her.

I don’t see anything wrong with him noticing that you are jealous. In fact I absolutely see nothing wrong in a woman being jealous of her man talking to other women, it shows you love him and you don’t want to lose him. Being overprotective may, however, suggest to your man that you do not trust him around other women. So, you need to be careful how your jealousy is portrayed in his eyes. You can sit him down and explain how his interaction with the maid is eating you up and ask him to draw the line with her.

You also need to establish why he is not that happy around you and it is absolutely okay to ask him. Let him know you honestly want to change for the better if there is anything wrong you are doing and so his feedback is important. Then you both take it from there. – Aunty Lisa

Post published in: Lifestyle

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