No Honour among Thieves

It is the allegation that administrative secretary, Didymus Mutasa, failed to produce the party’s voter’s roll beforehand. Now where have we heard that story before? Party bigwigs are said to have beefed up personal security – monya for hire – after some have received death threats. There is absolutely no honour among thieves. In the Serengeti, predators keep one eye open for other carnivores. The zebras watch as hyenas and jackals wage war. To dispense with zoological analogies, we the proletariat watch with bowls of popcorn on our laps. The show is titled Head-on Collision With Army Truck, a thriller directed by Gandanga, the former terrorist. When the hurly-burly’s done and the battle’s lost and won, we will dance in the streets and honk our horns.

The infighting is a sign that Mugabe’s grip on power is weakening, as is the insolent refusal by junior party officials to return vehicles used during the July election campaign despite Didymus Mutasa shouting at the top of his voice for the immediate surrender of car keys. Imagine some Johnny-come-lately cheekily flinging a hand at Mutasa, saying ‘ndeyekwako iyo!’ It is the cycle of life. At some point, the old alpha baboon will be challenged by younger, stronger members of the troop.

Get the deluxe package

Mugabe promised to take 2 million people out of the unemployment line. But rather than seeing new jobs, we have seen company shutdowns. In the past fortnight, four long established corporations – Gulliver, Apex, Stilnart and Morewear – have either gone into liquidation or judicial management. Apart from job losses, this means a reduction in state revenue and a loss of forex reserves, as retailers turn to foreign suppliers. Even the army’s supplier – Zimbabwe Defence Industries – has failed to pay salaries for five months. When Zanu (PF) hired Nikuv, they should have paid a little extra for the deluxe package. On the economy package, the purchaser only gets a cooked voter’s roll. The deluxe package goes a step further by giving the purchaser a how-to manual for rigging an economy. Bob could use such a handbook.

Idiotic proposals

With ministers under pressure to perform, some are coming up with idiotic proposals. Obert Mpofu dreamed up an idea to squeeze money out of motorists through urban tolling. If motorists cannot afford petrol, vehicle licenses and insurance, it follows that urban tolls are out of reach for most. Also, for urban tolls to bring about a reduction in CBD congestion, there is need for an efficient public transport system, which Zimbabwe lacks. Furthermore, it makes sense to complete the highway toll system before commencing another project. Thank goodness for the cover of melanin. Mpofu with a different colour skin would have turned red with embarrassment when his own permsec dismissed the idea. If Mpofu wants to impress, he should put his full (and considerable) weight behind the rescue of 6,000 NRZ jobs.

The motorist ATM

Tendai Biti has launched a legal firm, Tendai Biti Law, which intends to ‘test the new constitution.’ This is a welcome development, as our current laws do not yet fulfil the terms of the constitution. Here’s an example.

The Ministry of Transport intends to install machinery at toll gates to sniff out vehicles lacking ZBC licenses. I would rather eat crushed glass than buy a ZTV license. Rather than compelling citizens to buy their licenses, ZBC should improve their programs and woo advertisers. It is unfair for police to badger motorists for radio licenses while mobile phones and laptops with web streaming radio require no license. And where are the human rights lawyers in all this? As a nation we have this misguided belief that motorists are some kind of inexhaustible ATM. An editorial in the Herald has suggested that motorists be forced to pay for listener’s licenses at every vehicle license renewal. What ever for? The majority of cars on the road are ex-Japan and these do not catch local radio. Has car ownership become a crime in Zimbabwe?

While mere mortals are tightening their belts, Zanu (PF) has hired a $3M marquee for its annual conference scheduled for December. It speaks volumes about their commitment to national welfare when they can still afford to slaughter several fatted calves, to celebrate an election won by thievery, at a time when villagers survive on wild fruit. What really sets Zanu (PF) fat cats from the average man is their ability to pay $100,000 per table for a dinner to raise funds for their December shindig. In keeping with the party’s ball-kicking metaphor, this news must be a proper shin dig – if not a kick to the crotch – of the poor teacher, aspiring to own a 3 bed-roomed house, valued at $100,000; an amount that a Zanu (PF) chef blows on dinner.

Protesting too much

Robert Mugabe – with his counterfeit accent, his passion for cricket and his alleged castle in Scotland and his suits from Harrods – has said he is not British. The wannabe British gentleman protesteth too much. Mugabe spent years in Hwahwa prison, with only his books and a band of brigands for company, yet he came out carrying himself as though he had shared his cell with Prince Charles. Mugabe hurls abuse at Britain, not because he is an Anglophobe but because he yearns for their approval. Botswana and Australia are vocal critics of Mugabe but he seldom aims his rage at them. Instead he uses every state funeral and every varsity graduation ceremony as a platform to toss rotten eggs at Britain. What must really irk him is that his British counterpart has not even made one mention of his name.

It is not just Mugabe who is capable of speaking off topic. Tito Mboweni, former South African reserve bank governor, spoke to the BBC about business in Africa. Mboweni veered off topic to say people older than 60 should not hold important positions. There are ‘gogos aged 90, still holding onto power in Africa,’ he said. Then he said failure to produce a budget is failure to govern. Thank you Tito.

Muchienda kunaani?

The inter-schools quiz is about the only watchable show on Dead BC. Hold that thought. Makonde MP, Kindness Paradza, has suggested that MPs responsible for foreign affairs should be given diplomatic passports so they can join Mugabe’s entourage on overseas trips. All future MPs should be subjected to an IQ test. That way, we will have less stupidity from the house of legislature. Parliament owes hotels $750,000. Paradza has not seen any fuel allowance since taking office and has not had a sniff of his MP allowance. If the state does not have money to give him a twenty-litre fuel coupon ($30) surely it means government cannot afford an extra plane ticket to Beijing ($1,100). It might be advisable to sack some of these jokers and replacing them with the precocious pimple-faced kids we have seen on the quiz show. Honourable MP, you want to go overseas at our expense? In the words of your great leader, muchienda kunaani? – Till next week, my pen is capped. Jera@workmail.com