What happened to our chickens?

But really people. In a country where 70% of us live in the rural areas, and where “land reform” began 13 years ago, our government cannot even make a plan to produce enough chickens to feed the 30% who live in town. I am presuming that when those who live in the rural areas want to eat chicken that they simply go outside their door and murder one.

Successful land reform! We have taken the land back from the white settlers – but we are not too sure of how to breed makuku so we import embalmed ones from all the way across the Atlantic Ocean from Brazil. In fact we are now getting to like the flavour of embalming fluid.

What total incompetence!

But wait. Why only blame Mugabe. Do we really need HIM to show us how to breed chickens?

Come to that, do we really need Colonel Sanders to teach us how to cook them – not that he knows anyway; once you take the crunchy stuff off the outside of KFC it’s so slimy that I am pretty certain that part of their secret recipe is to let snails crawl over it before they put the crunchy stuff on.

I am getting back to the same thing that I was talking about last time. During the 1980’s what we bought in Zimbabwe was made in Zimbabwe. When we were short of something we learned from the Rhodies to “Make a plan”. The Rhodies are not British by the way, even though most of them originated from Britain.

It was the British and their protégée Robert who actually did the damage (I was going to use less polite words but Wilf would edit them out anyway). The Brits put sanctions against Rhodesia – they then listened to Mr Andrew Young, an unAfrican American who assured the British that supporting the non-tribalist, non-racialist beloved Father of Zimbabwe, Joshua Nkomo, would be a big mistake as he was supported by nasty Mr Brezhnev of the USSR and was in league with the unspeakable ANC of South Africa.

When Robert won with a BIG, unexpected majority in the 1980 British-run ‘election’ the over-joyed Mr Young said – and I quote, “The victory of Robert Mugabe is a victory for Western diplomacy.”

Just to make sure, on behalf of the British and their MaBhunu friends, Robert, together with British friend and MI.6 agent Ken Flower and his acolyte Emmerson Mnangagwa launched Gukurahundi mostly against the Ndebeles but also against some Shonas who were silly enough not to be tribalist and to support the original and authentic liberation movement, ZAPU – especially those in Hurungwe District.

Then there was ESAP. This is where the British told Robert not to follow these Rhodies but to have a free market economy. And Kingdom Securities told us on television every day. “Making money makes sense.” And we opened up banks. Manufacturing was dying but we opened banks. Indigenous banks. And Zimbabwe was five years ahead of the USA. Our banking system collapsed in 2003 – theirs not until 2008.

Then Zanu (PF) did the most revolutionary thing in the history of mankind – it made every Zimbabwean a billionaire. The unfortunate thing during all this time of listening to Robert and the British is that we forgot how to breed chickens and even how to cook them. – See you next week.