I am recently married. We had a big wedding in December after a year of dating. My man was so sweet when he was my boyfriend; he used to be such a gentleman. He has dramatically changed since we moved in together in January. He is so careless around the house and I wonder if he does it intentionally so that I clean up everything for him. He has some annoying tendencies like snoring. I hate people who snore especially when we share the same bed. Please help me on how to talk to him. I need back my sweet husband I married. – Mrs T
Dear Mrs T.
Maybe talking to him is not really necessary; I need to talk to you instead. I don’t want to believe your husband is no longer the sweet man you say he was. It is just that you are no longer seeing it, your eyes are magnifying the bad side of his character, probably because you have been overwhelmed by it.
When you were dating, remember you did not spend the whole day with him; it was a few hours every day where he could afford to be smart and be the gentleman he is. Right now the coin has been flipped, and you are seeing the reverse side – behind the scenes so to speak. You are seeing the full package of who he is. You loved and married him because of his strengths. But no-one is perfect, and you have to face the reality of his weaknesses too.
Before you criticise and accuse him of changing, you need to remember that the same thing could be happening to him. What if he is also disappointed by the wife you have turned out to be? Have you lived up to his expectations? Of course not! You are not perfect. There are also some of your funny characteristics he may be annoyed with but that is marriage.
For a successful message we have to learn to love and appreciate our partners for who they are. The best way of doing this in a sustained manner that will lead to a happy life is to focus on their GOOD parts, and be appreciative and encouraging of these aspects while not focusing on their weaknesses. Whichever plant gets the most sunshine and water is the one that grows the best.
There are things you may not be able to change like his snoring. Sometimes this may be caused by a bad position in sleeping or respiratory problems, in which case you can gently tickle him to get him to change position. But there are also some natural snorers and not much can be done. You may want to discuss how it affects you with your husband and perhaps get medical advice. A simple practical solution would be to get yourself some ear plugs.
The bottom line is that you are now a team and you need to learn to accept each other the way you are. And don’t forget to communicate well – lovingly and positively. – Aunty Lisa
Post published in: Lifestyle