Mugabe can now see!

President Robert Mugabe has expressed shock at the state of Zimbabwe”s roads. One wonders if he has he just woken from a coma, uttering those familiar post-operative words – “wha-what happened, where am I?”

Robert Mugabe
Robert Mugabe

Perhaps he was trying to show that he identifies with the masses, but all he managed to do was reveal how much he has lost touch with reality. “Let”s put a bit of cement, resurface them.”

Despite a chain of university degrees, the President illustrates that what he knows about road construction will, at most, only fill up a teaspoon. Being specialists in demolition, the training for Zanu (PF) cadres did not include the construction process. Roads are built with tar, gravel and sand. “A bit of cement” indeed! It just goes to show that education earned from a prison window without practise is merely paper.

We must congratulate his juniors who, for so long, have done an excellent job of shielding him from the horror movie that is Zimbabwe”s roads. One wonders just how they managed to censor such details from their ministerial reports. Perhaps since the potholes first appeared in 2000, they snipped out all the photos that showed roads from the President”s newspaper. Or maybe, each morning, one of his lackeys took an archived newspaper from 1990 and tipexed over the old date.

The blind shall see

Recently, Mugabe said God had blinded the white colonisers to Zimbabwe”s mineral wealth. If Mugabe has failed to see the potholes since 2000 then the same can be said about his vision, or the lack of it.

In this age of prophecy and alchemy, Jonathan Moyo may have joined the bandwagon of miracle healers. Attempting to dismiss media speculation about Mugabe”s cloudy eyes, Moyo said the President would address the trade fair where he would “display this amazing talent of the mind, vision and clarity of speech.” And with those words, the hood has been lifted off Mugabe”s eyes. Suddenly he sees potholes.

Blame shifting

After rising from his coma, Mugabe went on to shift the blame to local government bodies. “Councillors would say they don’t have money but where does it go? We pay rent, we pay rates, we would now want to know.”

Seeking to appease voters, Zanu (PF) cancelled all ratepayers’ town council debts ahead of the last elections. City councils, which were already struggling to supply services, lost desperately needed revenue as a result of Zanu (PF)’s bribery tactics. Only two months ago, Local Government Minister Ignatius Chombo ordered Harare City Council to resurface roads leading to State House, ahead of Bona’s wedding. It is strange that Mugabe is surprised that the town councils are broke.

Having nothing new to offer, all Mugabe has left is hot air. To while up time in what promises to be a long five years, in his few moments of lucidity, he makes outbursts that are obviously designed to give the appearance of a president who is genuinely concerned about his countrymen. “We are drinking raw water.” Of course this is all an act, for which he deserves an Oscar. It is really the ordinary people drinking disease-ridden water while Mugabe and his cronies, who can afford bottled water, are untouched by the horrible reality of life in Zimbabwe.

Confession of sins

Further demonstrating his utter lack of empathy for ordinary Zimbabweans, Mugabe has made an unnecessary voyage to the Italy, taking with him his entourage of bootlickers, to witness the canonisation of Pope John Paul II and Pope John Paul XXIII. Mugabe’s sympathisers cannot justify spending money on his personal pilgrimage to confess the cumulative sins of 34 years. In any event, after seeing the President arrayed in the white robes of the Apostolic Faith Church in June 2013, we assumed he had switched religion.

Zimbabwe has become a place where nothing makes sense. With unemployment running at over 80% it seems ridiculous to hold Workers’ Day celebrations, in a country where workers are an endangered species. It makes no sense to celebrate joblessness.

As the country literally burns – with two million needing food aid, thousands homeless after Masvingo and Matebeleland floods, thousands perishing due to shortage of ARVs, police chasing pirate taxis on foot because they lack patrol cars – the country’s President can still find the resources to fly out to Italy for confession.

Only recently, Mugabe revealed that he earns $4,000 a month, as if on such a modest salary one can afford to jet off to the Rome and the Far East every few months. If Bona’s wedding guests had been aware of the president’s modest income, rather than tossing confetti, they might have found it more appropriate to throw question marks in the air because there exists an alarming disparity between Mugabe’s supposed salary and his lavish lifestyle.

Harvest House madness

Following the expulsion of party agitator Elton Mangoma, the MDC-T faction advocating for leadership renewal has hit back. The Biti-led group has announced that Morgan Tsvangirai and Thokozani Khupe have been suspended from the party. Of course none of this makes sense because a survey in any part of the country will reveal that the majority of party supporters still want him to lead the party.

Biti and Mangoma cannot seriously believe that Tsvangirai’s ouster will strengthen their party. What is strange is that they believe change of leadership will reinvigorate the party, while they themselves remain in the executive. Biti, Mangoma and Roy Bennett are part of the executive which has lost the last two elections.

If Tsvangirai is responsible for defeat to Zanu (PF) then the executive should set the example by resigning. The only solution to these squabbles is for the troubled party to hold its election, sooner rather than later.

The feuding members of the MDC-T all concur that they want to remove Zanu (PF) from power. Perhaps it is time they realised that the more pressing need is for somebody to rescue the electorate from both Zanu (PF)”s tyranny and the chaos of the opposition. – My pen is capped. Jera. Twitter handle: @JeraAfrica

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