Matters of the heart

I always avoid the subject because I have not yet made up my mind yet. Im 25 and feel ready for marriage, but the one who is proposing has just started working this year after four years at the University of Zimbabwe and the other one is a branch manager at a local bank. I need a man who will be able to take care of me.

Sweetie

Yes Sweetie

Let me give it to you straight sister, you really do not deserve any of these two gentlemen because what each of the two guys is, in all likelihood, looking for is a 21st century woman (Mudzimai wanhasi) who is able to love them for who they are and not for their bank balance.

Someone who they can share life with, a true companion who will remain by their side through the good times as well as the trials and tribulations of this difficult journey that is called life. Try asking each of these guys what kind of woman they want and I bet the answer would never be: a woman who wants to be taken care off as if she is some broiler chicken.

The point is wealth and material possessions are very important things in life but throughout the ages, they have never been a very good reason to marry someone for. You could go with the UZ fellow and he could grow to become the richest man in Zimbabwe and you will live happily ever after. But he could also turn out to be a flop and you will languish in poverty ever after.

You could run away with Mr Bank Manager and the next day he is so rich he buys the bank he is working for and you become Mrs Moneybags. But, again, he could lose his job over some huge mistake that could wreck his career to plunge you two into financial ruin and poverty.

I guess the point I making is try marrying for love and you will probably find that any of the scenarios described above would not be so difficult to handle. And while we are at it sister, havent you heard about women emancipation? The idea that a woman cannot be forever a minor who is dependent on her man for life. I thought we all sisters should be striving for economic, social, political and religious equality of women and men not such a bad idea, if you ask me.

Gracey

Hie Gracey

I am a 34 year-old-man. I have a problem that troubles me day and night, such that sometimes I end up thinking of killing myself. I am married to a 24-year old woman. We have been together for three years now and we have two kids. My wife is an orphan. She told me that sometime in 2004 (before we met) she moved in with her aunt. This was at the invitation of the aunt who also arranged for my wife to go to a private college for further studies.

However, at some point her uncle (the husband to her aunt) started to sexually abuse my wife and to keep her quite threatened her with unspecified action. He also threatened to stop all the support including paying for her school fees if she reported or disclosed the abuse. According to my wife, the old man would tell her to: remember you are an orphan no one will stand for you it will be like digging your grave, it will be your problem for the rest of your life.

But, to add insult to injury this old man to this day keeps calling wanting to talk to my wife. Please help me, do we have any legal base to sue this 67-year old, dirty man because I can no longer stand this. Help me before I do something bad to this man, I really love my wife.

Troubled. A. N.

Dear Troubled A.N

Im sorry for the misfortune but the positive news is that there is legal basis for your wife to get justice in this matter even after all these years. However, she and not you has to report the abuse to the police. You role is to encourage her seek justice and to act as the pillar of support that she will need.

You do not say whether your wife was actually raped although the circumstances you describe in your letter suggest there was rape involved in which case this would mean they were basically two forms of abuse committed on your wife. The first was physical abuse in the form of rape and the second was psychologically abuse the she suffered because of the pressure exerted on her.

Your wife can report both forms of abuse to the police who will have the necessary expertise to investigate these matters. A point to remember is that the alleged crimes happened a long time ago or have been happening for some time now while the victim has not done anything to report these crimes to the police and this might mean a long and bruising battle in court if the uncle, as would be expected, denies the allegations.

There is also the usual pressure from the family as is normal with this kind of case. Some family members might find it difficult to accept that the uncle could have abused a niece he was taking care of. They will turn against your wife accusing her of not being grateful and might try to pressure her to drop the charges. And this is where you are come in by providing the bulwark of support so that she is not intimidated in to abandoning her search for justice and closure.

It is also important to remember that this is a fight your wife (with your important support) must fight for her own sake and for the sake of many other women silently suffering abuse at the hands of predators and pedophiles who prey on defenceless orphans and women. It is a fight worth fighting. May God be with you and your wife.

Gracey