Thanks for this column that I follow regularly, every week. I wish to share with you my experiences and problems, not to say you must solve them but you know what they say; a problem shared is a problem half solved.
I think my husband is seeing someone. He is home late these days, something that never happened before our second child just six months ago. He never used to burry himself in his mobile phone, receiving text messages frequently after working hours.
He is no longer dedicating much time to us these days. He used to leave his phone lying around but nowadays its either in his pocket or between his fingers as he continuously text messages. I love my family the last thing I want to see it breaking apart; I want this marriage to work. The thought that there may be someone in his life haunts me like crazy every day. What do you suggest I do to find out the truth?
Family woman
Dearest sister
Thanks for sharing your story and I am happy that you do not seem to have rushed to conclude that your husband is seeing someone despite the obviously strong temptation to do that given your husbands change of behaviour. It is true that in many cases a partner/husband changing behaviour is sign that they are seeing someone who is really taking much of their time and space but it is not always the case!
There are just too many reasons and things that could cause a wife or husband to change behaviour towards their other-half or family. Even the fact that there is a second baby in the family can alter the way things were between you and your man. For example the fact that you are having to and rightly so devote most of your time and energies to the new baby could mean daddy is neglected and is or has been slowly drifting away from you most probably without intending to do so.
But all this is mere speculation! The only way to know why your husband is behaving the way he is and for him to know how you feel is by talking to him. It is called communication and it is a key ingredient of all successful relationships in all spheres of life — more so in love!
Please sit down with Baba vemwana and discuss these things. Do not interrogate him or accuse him of anything simply because you notice a change in his behaviour. Seek to establish from him what could have caused him to change his ways, what is taking his time and keeping him away from you and the new gift from God?
It is important that you make him understand that while there might be nothing to his behaviour, still it does not sit well with you. Make him realise that you want to have more quality time with him, that his presence by your side is important support to you as you struggle with the unending demands of the baby. If you do it tactfully, as any woman should know how to with their man, then I am sure you will be able to pick the truth even if he tries to hide it, whatever it is.
I appreciate the dangers posed by unfaithful partners in this day of HIV/AIDS and other STIs but it would be wrong to rush to conclude the worst before you have given your man and yourself a chance to explain yourselves to each other.
Gracey
Hello
I have been reading the advice you give in the paper and I think you are good. But I dont know if you will be able to handle my problem. Im a young married man aged 21, my wife is 18 and we have a daughter who is one-year-old. Yeah, I know we moved too fast, I get told that a lot of the time.
We may be too young to be parents but it was a mistake I made and I know I can make up for it by continuing to be a good husband and father that I have been for the past year. My problem in this marriage is my mother in law who has more decision-making powers than me in whatever we do.
Each time my wife visits her family house she comes back a changed person, sometimes demanding things she knows we cant afford and calling me useless at times. Its quite obvious she is having a bad influence from her single mother. I love my wife and I want this marriage to go a long way, but how can that be possible when there is someone destroying what Im building?
Tom
My brother Tom
A quick point of correction: just because your mother-in-law is a single mother does not automatically make her bad influence. There are many single mothers who are very good mothers-in-law and even marriage counsellors. And back to your problem, I think you will have to realise that parents, more so mothers-in-law – and that means your mother or hers – will always have this ideal and almost perfect vision of what their daughter or sons marriage should be.
They never do it in order to harm their childs marriage, if anything they actually mean good. However such interference can sometimes put the married couple, particularly one as young as you and your wife, under so much pressure as your try to live up to your parents dreams and expectations — NOT yours! And this is what you will have to try and make your wife understand that it is you and her who are married. It is you two who will either make this marriage a success or a failure.
It is you two who have to run this marriage, not anybody else. Others whoever they are can come with their advice or help and there is nothing wrong with that. But they cannot set the agenda for this marriage. Period! But hear me correct: I did not say go and fight your wife or mother-in-law over this. You have to be smart about it. You are the man, therefore woo your woman to your point of view. As for your mother-in-law, I think that it is a relationship that is likely to forever remain a work-in-progress. And I can assure you that you are not the only son-in-law in this kind of situation.
The good thing to do is to always treat your mother-in-law with love and respect no matter what she hurls at you. In time, she will come to realise that you might not be exactly the best she would have picked for her beautiful daughter but you are not the worst either!
Gracey
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