Is your mother-in-law your mother-in-love?

In our work as marriage counsellors, we have heard numerous horror stories about mothers-in-law, and we will share only a few examples in this contribution.

We do not claim that what we will share with you in this article will solve all your mother-in-law problems. In this instalment, we are largely focused on the mother-in-law who is the biological mother of the husband. In other words, we are not necessarily talking about the mother-in-law who is mother to the wife. For some strange reason, we have not really heard many negative stories about this second category of mothers-in-law. Perhaps husbands are too petrified to complain about their mothers-in-law.

Some mothers find it very difficult to let go of their sons into marriage. They feel that their sons bride is robbing them of their man. They want their son to remain single for as long as possible so that he can provide for them. They often accuse their daughters in-law of grabbing their son for financial purposes only and not for love. They often become jealous and may even hate their daughters-in-law.

We heard of one mother-in-law who, when she comes to visit her son and his wife, will take her son aside and talk to him at length. Sometimes they close themselves in the bedroom, just the two of them, and talk endlessly for many hours. The wife is not allowed to enter the bedroom while they are there. In another case, the wife is only allowed to enter the bedroom in order to bring the two some food or drink.

This is grossly unhealthy for the married couple and should not be allowed to happen. The husband should never allow a situation where his mother talks to him in private. What is it that the two talk about that the wife should not hear?

For her part, the wife should take her husband to task and challenge him on this sort of behaviour. She should also show her mother-in-law a lot of love instead of hatred or spite. She should transform the mother-in-law into a mother-in-love. My wife should never have to compete with my mother for my attention or love. I am married to my wife and not to my mother. There must not be anything so confidential between my mother and I that my wife must not hear about it. Further, the wife should be in the forefront of encouraging her husband to provide for his mother. The husband should make his mother realize that it is his wife who is always demanding that provision be made for her and not the other way round.

Wife, you have a serious responsibility to know and love your husbands relatives and to develop sound relationships with them. If you shun them they will tend to treat you like an outsider who has come in to squander their wealth, even when there is no such wealth to talk about.

Mothers-in-law should accept that once their sons get married, they are no longer theirs alone. They should allow the son to cleave to his wife. They should also stop demanding much of his attention and other resources. They should ask for assistance through the wife or in the presence of both husband and wife.

This will help to cement the relationship between the married couple. A situation where the husbands mother is viewed as an agent of disruption in the marriage urgently needs to be addressed by both husband and wife.