Lets laugh it out!

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: ‘I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his

way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.’… Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:’I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,’ said the politician. ‘In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.’ Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late

A dead donkey

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for 100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey’s died.’ Paddy replied, ‘Well then just give me my money back.’ The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’ Paddy said, ‘OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’

The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’ Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’ The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead donkey!’ Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’ Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of 898’ The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’ Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.’ Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland

The prescription

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.” The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.” The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!” The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription!”

She has destroyed my golf pleasure

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my golf bag, tried not to wake my wife, sneaked quietly into the garage and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour. The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. Disappointed I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and sneaked back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out there playing golf in that foul weather?’ I still don’t know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped

playing golf.