Election Day
Scene 1
Enter the Director Of Vote Counting, Juda. He is dressed in a suit and is entering a toilet. He is also holding a clipboard with papers on it. He goes to the urinary, and pees with his back to the audience. As he is peeing, enter Twenty walking stealthily and casting looks over his shoulder. He is also dressed in suit and tie. He comes to a stop beside Juda. Twenty is not peeing but is standing facing the audience.
Twenty: How goes it now?
Juda: It is even worse now Twenty.
Juda stops peeing, closes his zip and turns around to face Twenty. He quickly writes on a piece of paper and hands the paper to Twenty. Twenty quickly looks at the paper.
Twenty: O God no!
Juda: And dont say you got that from me, this is highly confidential information.
Twenty: I wont Juda, and thanks.
Twenty takes some money from his pocket and hands it to Juda. Juda quickly takes the money and puts it into his pocket.
Juda: The paper too, if it falls into the wrong hands I might get into serious trouble.
Twenty: Of course Juda. Of course.
Twenty hands the paper back, Juda salutes Twenty, then both men exit in different directions. Twentys walk is dejected.
Scene 2
A stage with two sofas and a side table with a telephone on it. Enter His Excellency, Poka Oka Ndiseng. An elderly man in his sixties, he is dressed in a jogger short, old fashioned vest, and carries a golf club. He heads for the telephone, takes it and quickly dials.
Ndiseng : ( Into the telephone) Twenty? Can I please see you, thank you.
Enter Twenty, still in suit and tie. He is Ndisengs personal advisor. He bows before Ndiseng.
Twenty: Your Excellency.
Ndiseng: (Pointing at one of the sofas) You may sit.
Twenty sits down on the sofa, but on the edge. His right foot is beating a rapid tattoo on the floor. Ndiseng looks at this foot.
Ndiseng: Relax, Twenty.
Twentys foot stops tapping, and he wipes his forehead with a hanky.
Twenty: Mmh!
Ndiseng: Just relax, Twenty. And why do you look as if somebody has just walked over your grave? Just look at you!
Twenty: Your Excellency. Things are very bad outside,
Ndiseng: (Points a warning finger at Twenty) Eh! Eh! Eh! What am I always telling you Twenty?
Twenty: But this is the truth your Excellency!
Ndiseng: Please dont exaggerate.
Twenty: I am not exaggerating!
Ndiseng: Do you know your problem my dear comrade? You panic very easily Twenty, just like a cowardly dog. (Ndiseng mimes action of a dog barking) WOOF! WOOF! WOOF behind a fence, and if you pretend to pick up a stone it flees away with its tail tucked between its legs. I dont need women around me Twenty. I need men with balls of steel.
Twenty: I am not panicking your Excellency, Comrade Ndiseng.
Twenty wipes his forehead with his hanky again.
Ndiseng: Then why are you are sweating like that? Or maybe you have forgotten yourself and you think state house is a bush in the rural areas and you are squatting behind it defecating?
Twenty: The ballot counting is almost finished your Excellency, there are only five ballot boxes left uncounted, and the opposition is leading us by a very wide margin.
Ndiseng: Is that so? Of course I didnt know that. And thanks for the information. If you are telling the truth, then we must clap hands for them.
(He leans the golf club against the sofa and claps his hands, a wide grin on his face)
They really are trying arent they? Bravo!
(He claps his hands again.)
And by how many voters are they leading us now, Twenty?
Twenty: Three million votes so far your Excellency, and the remaining five ballot boxes only contain one million. We have lost. Everything is crashing down on us!
Ndiseng: (Bursts out laughing) Ha! Ha! Ha! (Still laughing, he points a finger at Twenty) And you are now shitting in your underwear! (Makes noise of farting) Bhu!
(He laughs again, then smiles) Stop being paranoid my dear personal advisor. (His voice hardens)
And to use your own words it is you who will crash out of my elite team if you do not show strength. Anyway, why should you be frightened of the election results if I may ask? After all, it is not you who is losing, but me, Cyclone Ndiseng, to use my favourite guerrilla name. (pause)
Or is it because you see your meal ticket vanishing should that happen?
Twenty: It is not like that your Excellency -!
Ndiseng: Let me tell you something for nothing Twenty. This is not a childrens game we are playing here. This is not dance around together in a sally weather tissue tissue we all fall down. (He swings his hands in mime of a childrens dance as he says this) It is a game of heroes. Men who are larger than life. Now, tell me my terrified friend, did you read comic books when you were growing `up?
Twenty: (Perking up)Yes I read them your Excellency. Kid Colt, Spiderman, Superman, Tin Tin Ndiseng waves his hand at Twenty in dismissal
Ndiseng: No, not that crap. There is another one that you have left out. My favourite.
Twenty: You mean Wonder Woman?
Ndiseng: No, not that lesbian.
(He suddenly flexes his muscles, his face twists in effort)
The Incredible Hulk! You!
Twenty: (Smiling) The Incredible Hulk! I love that one! He is my hero!
Ndiseng: I am the new Incredible Hulk of this continent Twenty. (He whispers to Twenty, his face screwed up in excitement, and his fists bunched)
And do you know why?
Twenty: (Shaking his head and whispering also) Why, your Excellency?
Ndiseng: Because I am going to be the first president of the United States Of Africa of course! And that day is around the corner. Just mark my words.
He suddenly flexes his muscles, and roars like Hulk.
Ndiseng: The Incredible Hulk!
He roars like Hulk again, grabs Twenty and trips him to the ground. Twenty rises up, exhibiting signs of fear. Ndiseng roars, grabs Twenty and trips him to the ground again. Twenty lies on the ground, and Ndiseng struts around the stage roaring like The Incredible Hulk, and flexing his arm muscles. He goes back to Twenty, who still lies on the ground. Twenty cringes back in fear.
Ndiseng. (Offering Twenty his hand and laughing) Get up Comrade Minister! Get up! Woooo! You look so undignified lying on the floor like that.
Twenty: I am scared of Hulk, your Excellency. He is so powerful!
Twenty takes the offered hand and rises to his feet. He brushes himself down, then sits down on the sofa again..
Ndiseng: That is the lesson Twenty. Never worry, nobody can defeat the Incredible Poka Oka Ndiseng, blood descendant of the great King Oka Ndiseng 1, slayer of lions, conqueror of mountains, who smiled and the moon melted and beautiful maidens swooned. Who can defeat such a man Twenty? They cant, not even with all the assistance of their fucking Nagasaki bomb, but, this is not what I called you in here for.
Twenty: Yes your Excellency.
Ndiseng: I want you to go and write a speech for me.
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