Matters of the Heart

A lot of men are involved in small houses nowadays. The men might be cheating on their wives, yes, but what about the women who agree to have affairs or cheat with the men even though they are fully aware their boyfriend is someone elses husband? Are they not just as guilty as the men are?

I love my wife and family and at the same time, I love my small house. I have never abused any of them. My wife is unaware of the developments outside our matrimonial home but the other lady knows that I do have a wife and family. So does this make me such a bad man?

Daddy B.

Dear Daddy B

First, I would like to apologise if from my writings of the past few weeks I came out like some wild-eyed female chauvinist out to batter innocent men at every turn. That is not who I am, neither am I one given to judging others.

But back to your question: my honest opinion on small houses is that it is something so wrong, especially when one or both of the women involved are not aware that they are caught up in a love triangle.

In most indigenous African cultures it is acceptable for a man to be married to more than one woman. But with small houses I am sure you will agree with me that very often the two parties involved (that is the small house and the philandering husband) are not married. And in most cases it is the wife at home who will be in darkness, totally unaware that she is sharing her mans love with Amainini or small house.

This is so unfair to the wife and will really break her heart the day she discovers that she was being cheated on and lied to all along.

Then there is the issue of faithfulness or lack of it in these love triangles, where if one of the three parties contracts a sexually transmitted disease (read HIV/AIDS) everyone in the three-way love affair is exposed to the disease.

Again, the wife at home is the sitting duck here, waiting to be infected with disease brought into the love triangle either by the husband (who may still be seeing other women besides the official small house) or by the small house who really just a girlfriend and might not feel obliged to be faithful to her stolen boyfriend.

I guess the point is that when one party becomes unfaithful in a relationship he/she puts all the other parties involved in that relationship at risk of catching sexually transmitted infections.

And by the way, what gives you the idea that having two women in your life and — as you put it — loving them equally is justification for cheating and betraying your wifes trust?

For arguments sake, let us imagine the shoe is on the other foot, and it is your wife who is having a boyfriend who she claims to love in equal measure as you — heartbreaking and weird huh? That is exactly the same hurt and pain men inflict on their women when they cheat on them with the so-called small houses.

This is not to say the women who get involved with married men — especially when they know it to be the case are blameless. They are just as guilty as the cheating husbands are, although, I am sure they have, just as you do, their excuses or is it reasons to justify why they are stealing a sisters man.

Then, of course, if you really believe you can love two women equally and simultaneously then why not go the Jacob Zuma way.

The South African President is married to three women who, from the little that the public can see, seem to be happy with the arrangement. But, of course, you should not impose a polygamous relationship on your women. They will have to agree to that kind of set up out of their own volition.

Gracey

Wassup Gracey

I have been dating this guy for six months now. He lost his job last year but I never stopped loving him. At times I tell him my problems but he freaks out. Most of the times it is about how my half brothers and sisters treat me and how difficult they make it for me to meet him at times.

Should I keep telling him of my problems because I fear if I do, we will end up breaking up because at times he complains that Im always telling him of my problems? Please help.

Nikkie

My dear Nikkie

I do understand the fact that you need a shoulder to cry on given the situation you say your are facing at home. Your beau can certainly be that shoulder, but when he is beginning to show signs that he is somehow feeling like you are overloading him with your problems then it is time to give him some sort of a break!

When all you can talk about the moment you see your man are problems after problems you are facing in your personal life, then, I am afraid, you are really working so hard to scare him away!

If he is the one to always give the shoulder for you to cry or lean on then, obviously, at some point he is going to get fed up by it all and simply walk way.

You need to consider that he may also have enough of his own problems that he might wish to tell you but you never give him the chance because every time it is all about you. You say your man lost his job last year and that is quite a blow to anyone and it is something your man might want to talk to you about from time to time but you never give him a listening ear.

I am not saying you should not share your problems with your boyfriend, but problems no matter how serious cannot be the only subject of discussion between two lovers.

From the little I can glean from your letter it looks like you all you ever do is talk about your problem so much that you man cannot even remember how your face looks like when you smile.

Girlfriends and boyfriends do discuss their problems with each other, but there still has to be time for less serious issues, jokes and some fun in any relationship if it is to survive.

You simply cannot devote whatever time you have with your boyfriend to taking him through the agonising flashbacks of how you spend your weeks at home that is not how you grow relationships!

As for the situation at home, you need to get professional help or if that is not readily available then find a trusted elder in the family who you can approach for assistance. If your parents are unaware of the situation between you and your half brothers and sisters then they you need to find a way to let them know.

Gracey

Hi Gracey

I left Memo my true lover and fell in love with her best friend. When Memo discovered it, I explained everything but she just could not understand. I love Memo so much and if I lose her I will not find someone else who will love me like she did. Please help.

Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous

I dont really know how I should be helping you here, you messed up and all you need to do is to clean up your mess. You were unfaithful to the woman you love and cheated on her with her best friend.

I do understand how Memo feels wherever she is. She probably doesnt want to see you or talk to you anymore. But if you are genuine that you have learnt your lesson and that you still want her back, I suggest you give her time to calm down and you apologise to her. Do pray she will forgive you.

Gracey

Response by Isaac Zerf to an SMS sent by Primrose last week in which she said she had been going to gym for the past month but instead of losing weight she had actually gained 3kgs.

Fitness training is a sure way of losing weight. Initially with the right training programme one gains weight as muscle is heavier than fat. After a minimum of three months depending on the intensity of the workout, weight loss will be evident by one or two pounds or one kilogram a month. Some cases depend on the nutritional aspect one embarks on. A proper training programme should focus on three systematic cross-training methods; Cardio, weight bearing and flexibility. ISANETICS the fitness way.

*Zerf is a fitness instructor based in Harare.