Matters of the Heart

My mother died when I was only nine years old and my father abandoned me to the care of my grandmother. My problem is that I was born HIV positive. How many years do I have left on this earth? Sometimes I even wonder whether there is any point going to school when I have no future. I have been on ARVs since form one. I am 18 years old and I cannot have a boyfriend.

Anesu.

My Dearest Anesu

I do not want you to be a princess of pessimism my lady. Your life will always be miserable if you always look at the dark side of things. Being HIV positive does not make you any different from the next girl near you or anyone for that matter.

You are 18 years old and I can assure you they are many who would have loved to be turning 18 today but they never lived to see the day and not all of them died because of HIV/AIDS-related illnesses.

The fact is we are mortal. On the appointed day, death will visit each and everyone of us. HIV/AIDS is just one of the many diseases and things that can cause death talk of car accidents and other chronic diseases such as high blood pressure just to mention a few.

But the point is: we cannot let the fear of death rule our lives!

I for one do not live my life worrying about things that might or might not happen and over which I have no control whatsoever.

I spend my time thinking about how I can make tomorrow a better day. You should try doing the same and please draw courage and comfort from the knowledge that the same power that gave you 18 years in this world can grant you another 18 or more years if it so wishes.

And another thing dear: you need your education. Dropping out of school because you think you have no future will be a big blunder that you will regret the day you discover you were meant to be around much longer than your thought but by then it would be too late to go back to school to learn the skills necessary to ensure a comfortable existence.

Focus on building your career and your future. Do not worry about your HIV positive status or what will become of your love life that is for the future. And when that future comes God will provide the answers. The advances in technology and medicine have made it possible for people to be involved in relationships even if they are HIV positive.

Have faith in God and trust him with your life. Remember to keep smiling and know that I will be smiling with you all the way.

Gracey

Hi Gracey

My problem is that I feel Im too skinny and I dont like the way I look. Im pregnant and I feel I just need to gain weight. Please help.

Rutendo.

Hey Rutendo

You may not like it when you gain weight my dear, dont feel so bad. When one is pregnant there can be a lot of physical changes to her body. Its not always that women gain weight months into it. The reaction you are having is normal, you can be skinny like you say and you will eventually gain weight.

Its a matter of time; just dont worry about it okay? Just make sure to stick to your healthy food as recommended by your doctor and regularly visit him/her.

Gracey

Hi Gracey!

First my parents parted ways 14 years ago. My mother started dating and her boyfriend died two years ago. My mother blames me for his death. Of course I never liked him, we always fought but I never wanted him dead. When he died I only tried to comfort her saying it was his time, but my mother took it to mean that I wanted him dead. She slept with my boyfriend and she never contacts me these days. Its not easy for me to forgive her for sleeping with my boyfriend. She is an alcoholic. She no longer contacts me saying Im a waste of time and that giving birth to me was a mistake. All I want is for us to talk again.

Anonymous

Dearest Anonymous Girl

Given the stress and trauma of losing a loved one, it was probably forgivable for your mother to react the way she did soon after the death of her boyfriend, trying to find someone or a scapegoat to blame for the unfortunate passing away of her partner.

However, by now — a whole two years after the death of her boyfriend — your mother should have long come to terms with the fact the death of her partner was not caused by you but was an act of God. It is just so unfair for her to keep blaming it on you.

What your mother should instead be doing is to apologise to you for having accused you of causing the death of her boyfriend and even more she should be on her knees begging for having slept with your boyfriend.

All the talk of you being a waste of time is probably to cover up for her own misdeeds. She feels guilty and ashamed of what she did. But she will not say sorry. Instead she chooses to keep falsely blaming you for causing the death of her boyfriend so that in the end it is you who will have to beg for forgiveness from her!

But obviously all that is happening between you and your mother is neither desirable nor healthy. I understand how much you would love being close to your mum like probably all your girlfriends are to their mothers. But changing the way your mother thinks and behaves towards you is unlikely going to be the easiest of tasks.

However the starting point is for you to reach out to her, explain to her that you never meant or wanted things to be the way they are or have been between you two.

Make sure you explain how much you love her and that nothing will change the fact that you are her daughter. Of course, she might never agree to meet you to talk it over, so you can do it in writing. Then give her time to come to her senses. It may take long, many days, months or even years but believe me she will miss you until she cant miss you anymore.

That will be when you open your arms and forget all that has happened and give her the chance to love you again.

Gracey

To Gracey

Im deeply in love with this girl. Im 28 and she is 23. I love her so much that I will marry her any day, but I dont even know whether she is serious with me or not. Sometimes I feel like Im in love with someone who doesnt love me back. Sometimes she ignores my calls or text messages and my friends sometimes laugh at me saying ndakadyiswa (Im hypnotised by some love portion).

Sometimes she is all loving and the moment we part ways going home she is a different person. We have been going out for almost five months now and it has been like this for long. I have always helped her with money whenever she requested it.

Whenever we make an appointment to meet in town for a date a quarter of the time she is late and three quarters of it she never pitches up. I feel like I cant love anyone else and my friends think Im crazy. Will I find anyone I will love like this if I dump her?

Troubled

My Dearest brother

I know how you feel, we all, at one point or another, go thorough such nasty experiences. You fall so much in love with someone and you think he/she is The One and yet the object of your love sees you only as one of those time pushers something to while up time with when there is nothing (or even no one) more important to occupy their time.

Well, if I should talk from my personal experience I can tell you that your true love is yet to come. She is not the one.

But it is important that you talk to her, open up to her like you have done with me. You may be surprised that there are some problems she is experiencing.

If she cannot give good reasons for her behaviour then it is time to leave her. Take your heart and walk away before this girl destroys it.

If she cared about you, she would not be late for dates and appointments let alone never pitch up without a really good reason. It would be a cruel disservice to your self were to choose to wear the blinkers and convince yourself that you would never be able to love anyone else except this lady. Why continue to be stood up?

Your Miss Right will come by one day and you would never recognise while are in you are in this trance you have allowed Miss Heartless to induce you into.

Love is meant to be a mutual feeling between two people. Dont let your love for this woman become an obsession. Look around, your true love may be trying to grab your attention right now. She is out there waiting.

Gracey