Matters of the heart

Dear Caring Mother

I appreciate your concern as a mother and let me hasten to say that you are not the only mother wondering how they should tackle this important but sometimes tricky matter of how to impart the knowledge about sex and sexual matters they have gathered over the years to their teenage daughter.

The point to remember though is that sex education is not and should not be one conversation about sex and issues to do with sex.

It is a process that begins with the parent or in this case the mother moving to win the trust of their daughter. It is important that before you delve into discussing sex with your daughter you use your skills both as a mother and the more experienced part here to build your daughters confidence in you to a level where she begins to look at you not only as a mother but also a friend.

A friend who she can confide in, trust and rely on. Encourage your daughter to be open with you by providing the listening ear and resisting the all too easy temptation to become judgmental. Once you have achieved this kind of relationship of openness, trust and confidence in each other then it is time to broach the subject.

There are so many issues you will want to discuss with your daughter: the hormonal changes she is experiencing at this important stage of her life, what it means and how to handle the strange feelings that she is beginning to experience.

You will want to discuss relationships with the opposite sex; the sexual act itself, its meaning and place in her life. There are important issues to talk about pregnancy and contraception. Then there is the almost mandatory issue of sexually transmitted infections and, of course, HIV/AIDS.

There is really a lot that a mother can discuss about sex, sexuality and relationships with her daughter — but remember you cannot come down on your teenager with all this information like a tonne of bricks. She might get turned off, as it were.

The subject is one that is best dealt with gradually, measure-by-measure, step-by-step and sometimes in small doses. It cannot be done in one sitting. In fact, in many cases mothers dispense sex education and advice on sexual matters to their daughters until they grow into mothers themselves.

And an important point to remember: this is a discussion between you and your daughter. You are not lecturing her about sex and therefore you need to hear her out also.

This means you must use your listening techniques and never penalise your child for telling the truth about sex or her sexual experiences even if you mind find some of it a bit shocking. The way you respond to your daughter can either kill the relationship or make it prosper.

Your daughter needs to know that you are talking to her about sex not because you dont trust her, but because you are a caring mother. Let her know that all you want is to equip her with the knowledge and information she will need to make those choices and decisions that she will be called upon to make as she grows into full womanhood. Good Luck.

Gracey

Hi sister

I have been dating this guy for the past eight months now, but he is now always demanding sex, is it fair?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous

Sex must not be DEMANDED, it should be by mutual consent. Any situation where a part in a relationship somehow feels compelled to engage in a sexual act even when they do not desire or wish to do so is obviously unfair to that part who has virtually been reduced to a sex slave of sorts.

It is difficult to give more precise advice because you didnt tell me your age. However, should you be below 16 years (the age at which a girl/woman is at law considered competent to decide on and about sex), then I would suggest that you focus more on building your future and not try to worry about what your boyfriend might do if you do not comply with his demands for sex.

If you are over 16 years, then it comes down to your personal beliefs about sex before marriage.

I personally believe in sex after marriage but there are many who will not agree with this but the bottom line is that its about your values and beliefs.

Do what you feel is right dear and not succumb to every demand from you boyfriend in the name of love. Always remember a man a real man that is — will respect a woman of solid character, strong moral conviction, self-discipline, self-respect, and virtue.

Gracey

Hie

My girlfriend is a single mother and her parents are insisting that she must reconcile with the father of her child and get back with him to become his second wife. Her aunt is strongly supporting this. My girlfriend told me the truth about herself before we started dating and I fell in love with her. But the problem is father of her child who has decided to show up now. I love my girlfriend and I know she feels loves me too. My girlfriend makes me happy and I dont want to break her heart. Should I let her go Gracey?

Eric Bulinda

Dearest Eric

It is so sweet that you so much want to stick with your girlfriend and do not wish to break her heart and I pray she is equally committed to you.

There is certainly nothing wrong about dating a single mother and all you two need to do is insist on your rights to follow your hearts. Family, relatives and friends have to accept that who you or your girlfriend decide to fall in love with is ultimately a personal choice and decision that they no matter how caring they might be — cannot make on behalf of either of you.

You need to convince your girlfriend to follow her heart. It is really her call to make whether she wants to stick with you or follow her parents advice and become the other mans second wife.

At the end of the day marriage is not about pleasing ones parents, relatives or friends, it is about what one wants and what makes them happy.

Gracey