Mattes of the Heart

But the problem now is sometimes I feel I still want to be with my Ex. What should I do I want to move on.

Anonymous

Dearest Sister

Usually the advice where love matters are concerned is that one should follow their heart, but this will obviously not work for you because to following your heart in your case might mean dating both men. The Ex whom you say your are unable to forget and your new Beau whom you vow you truly love, which is totally wrong both on moral grounds and health wise – remember the HIV and the other many STIs.

Sometimes the heart yearns for the crazy and crooked way but it is for the mind to know what it is or is not the best for us. You fall head over heels in love with a man, date him for weeks or months, he treats you badly, but your heart tells you he is the only one it wants.

You become so sure that if you let him go you will die a lonely old spinster. But in love — as in everything in life — we are often able to make the best (and not necessarily most palatable) decisions when we use our heads and not our hearts to think. Sometimes you need to listen to your head Sis, even if that might break your heart. What is to be gained from clinging to old memories when you could easily create new and even better ones with your new man? Why spend hours on end thinking about an ex-boyfriend who probably no longer remembers your name — an exaggeration, of course, but still very possible.

You say you love your new man, so go ahead and show him the love. Open your heart to your boyfriend and allow him to show you how loving a man he is. You will soon be wishing you had met him before your ex. Oh again, if you have any gifts with you that you got from your ex, it will help you forget about him if you get rid of them.

Gracey

Dear sister

Im an 18-year old guy. I have never found girls my age interesting. I have always loved older women. Currently Im deeply interested in a single woman whom I guess is about 33 years. I have madly admired her for almost a year now. I deeply love her but Im afraid to tell her.

We know each other so much and Im always so jealous when I see her with other men. I think of her all day long and dream of her some nights, I have tried to get over it but I have failed. I cant tell her because Im sure she wont accept. How can I get her off my mind and end this strong desire I have for older women. I dont even know if this is normal.

Tom

Young Brother

I normally tell people that as a rule of thumb they should always overlook or ignore age, race or colour when it comes to deciding who to or not to fall in love with. But in your case I am not sure what it is exactly that you are looking for in these older women – are you looking for love or are you looking for a mother to suckle you all over again?

Then you talk of madly admiring this older woman for a whole year, thinking of her all day long and dreaming about her some of the nights. The sound of it is a little bit unsettling.

Are you sure this is just a case of simply falling for woman older than you or is it some kind of an obsession with anything that wears a dress and is old enough to be your mother?

Unfortunately it is difficult to give more precise advice because you did not say how and when exactly this strong desire for older women started? How and at what point did you realise you prefer women older than you?

Your attraction to older women could be the result of a far worse problem or condition that might need special medical and psychological help. For example there are cases (and I am not suggesting this is what happened to you) where young boys who were sexually abused by older women growing up to believe in a rather twisted way that they are far happier dating older women happier than those of their age.

But, then, at 18 years your desire for older women could all just be a harmless fantasy that you will outgrow at some point and I really do hope that is the case. But for now all I can encourage you to do is to try harder to bring your mind to focus on things that really matter to you and not this 33-year old woman or any other potential Sugar Mama. Shouldnt you really be concentrating on finishing your school, learning a trade or improving your career, if your are already working? I think that is what should really be occupying the minds and dreams of 18-year olds.

Gracey