Lets Laugh it Off

Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him, “My friend, I have bad news and I have good news. First of all, you’ll never be able to work again.”

“Okay,” muttered the injured bureaucrat. “What’s the bad news?”

(ii) Best Friends?

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend’s illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. “Shawn,” said Pat, “can you hear me?”

Faintly, Shawn replied, “Yes, Paddy, I can.” Bashfully, Pat started, “Do you remember our pact, Shawn?”

“Yes, I do Patty,” Shawn strained. “And, you’ll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?” said Pat.

“Yes Patty, I do,” whispered Shawn.

“It’s a very “old” bottle now, you know,” urged Pat. “And what are you gettin’ at Pat?” asked Shawn, briskly.

“Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?

(iii) A Nice Boy

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.”

“Oh please, Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

(iv) Facts about Men

We might have run these before, but in case you missed — they’re a hoot:

– Husbands are like children — they’re fine if they’re someone else’s.

– Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

– A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

– Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature anyway.

– Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men — a woman.

– Men’s brains are like the prison system — not enough cells per man.

– Men are like place mats. They only show up when there’s food on the table.

– Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

– Men are like bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

– Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken.

– Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

– Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

– Men are like high heels. They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.