Her next door neighbor would shout back, “There ain’t no Lord!”
During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.
The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, “Praise the Lord!”
The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, “I brought those groceries, and there ain’t no Lord.”
Grandmother replied, “Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it.”
The Writer
Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer. “I want to write things the whole world will read,” he declared.
“Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life. I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger.”
He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft.
The 10 Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, “Thou shall not kill!”
Life’s Crazy Rules
* Lerman’s Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.
* Murphy’s First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
* Kauffman’s Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
* Miller’s Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you’ll want to be doing something else.
* Weiner’s Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
* Isaac’s Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
* Kenny’s Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person’s name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary – If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
* Yeager’s Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber’s day off.
* Lampner’s Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
* Quile’s Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
* Loftus’ Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don’t know who wrote the book or even which book it is.
* Lovka’s Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.
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