World Cup upset – Zimbabwe claims Win

zimmafiaJOHANNESBURG - In a shock press statement, President Robert Mugabe announced to the world that his team, the ZIMafia "Worst Eleven", had won the football world cup on Sunday. His team has been seen around the Gauteng area in the 'Bling Bus' for the past few weeks. (Pictured: Members of the public enjoy the Worst Eleven outreach programme,

Although it appears they did not qualify, the all-Zanu (PF) team insists that it alone has the authority to announce winners of any competition it enters.

“700 million TV viewers may have seen Spain score a so-called winning goal,” said Captain Mnangagwa, ” But after our officials counted up all the scores from all the players, our team in fact won. Anybody who wishes to challenge that result will be kidnapped, tortured and thrown down a disused mine shaft, or shot and buried in an unmarked grave.”

The ZIIMafia team comprises an elderly crew of Zimbabwean military commanders, shady bankers and other senior party officials who operate under their coach-for-life, Robert Mugabe. None of the team has undergone a legitimate selection process for the last 25 years, in blatant disregard for the normal practise of choosing a national side on merit and fitness.

“Why do we have to be selected? It’s experience of winning that counts,” said Captain Mnangagwa, “And anyway, we make the rules and we own the judges, so there.”

“This bus tour has been part of a familiarisation exercise, so that the international media and visitors here could get to know our names. We are all-powerful star players back home,” he added.

Coach Mugabe will be collecting the golden trophy later on today, and has asked Queen Sofia of Spain to hand it over personally. “I do so love royalty,” he said, “And I’ll take along a big bag of diamonds as a consolation prize for her”.

Political analysts have commented that this latest move by the Zanu (PF) elite team closely resembles the outcome of the parliamentary and presidential elections held in Zimbabwe in 2008. The only difference being the speed at which the ‘official result’ has been produced. In 2008, the count and re-count took six weeks. –

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