“Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”
“Well…as a matter if fact, Yes!” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”
Cynical Meanings
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either.”
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power…
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Funny puns
* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
* Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
* A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
* He wears glasses during math because it improves division.
New Student
It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher greeted the class and said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history.
Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me death?”
She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up.
“Patrick Henry, 1775,” said the boy.
“Now,” said the teacher, “Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?'”
Again, no response except from Toshiba: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”
The teacher snapped at the class, “You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do.”
As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: “Damned Japanese.”
“Who said that?” she demanded.
Toshiba put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982,” he said.
Pleasing?
When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, “Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please.”
When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I could not please any of them.
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