Matters of the Heart

Im thinking the problem is on my side. What can I do? – Father Wannabe

Dear Father Wannabe

Six months is not long enough for you to start thinking you have a problem dear brother. There are a lot of things you need to consider when trying to make a baby as a couple. Not following some of those points may see a couple going for a year or more without a baby and suspecting they are barren.

There are countless factors that cause women not to be pregnant, chief among them being stress, nutrition, emotional and physical issues. These can affect a woman or mans fertility. There may be an inadequate sperm production on your part that could be explained by doctors. But it is important to trace that you are both doing everything right before seeking medical help. You need to nurture your body and make sure you are both not putting yourselves under pressure to fulfil the expectations of scrutinizing and critical relatives. Rather do everything at your own pace.

As unbelievable as it may seem, stress is one of the major things that can cause men or women suffer infertility. One of the major causes of stress is unbalanced and unhealthy nutrition. When your body is deprived of the essential nutrients that it needs, it will forcus more on keeping itself alive more than on its ability to reproduce.

Doctors say the best way to get your wife pregnant is to have sex several days before, during and after your wifes ovulation cycle.

Maybe you have already known about all this after talking to some doctors and your peers. But it is important you also know your family history and background, some of these things may be a family path. I know of a family where each and every brother has spent more than five years together with his spouse before they conceived.

While taking long to have a baby may be a big cause for concern, there is need not to press panic buttons and stress yourself because that will only make matters worse.

I advise you to relax and enjoy your marriage and not use each day your wife tells you she has seen her periods as an alarm that you have failed again. Your time will definitely come. – Gracey

Not ready to marry

Dear Gracey

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years now. Im 27 and he is 31. I just dont understand why he keeps saying he is not yet ready for marriage without explaining what is there to be ready about. Honestly I am becoming more and more impatient, how long should a woman really wait before a man proposes for her hand in marriage? This is sometimes becoming so frustrating especially at my age; I just need to settle down. I love him and I believe he loves me too but I just dont get it really! – Confused

Dear Confused

It is unfortunate for you that in our traditional African culture, it is taboo for women to propose marriage to men and you will have to stretch that patience some more if you want this man.

But in all honesty, four years is a long enough time for a man to decide whether or not to settle down with his girlfriend. I just consider it a waste of your time, especially when he does not explain why he is not ready.

While most people argue that there will never come a time when a man or a woman feels ready to marry, I will agree with your man that there are a lot of things people need to ready themselves for before marriage. The financial aspect is one big thing to consider among others like the right accommodation and personal maturity to begin a family.

He definitely should not rush things if he is not yet ready. He needs not be pressurised by you into such big commitment – but it is your right as his partner to know why he is not yet ready. What is it exactly he needs to achieve before you settle down?

I know society has its own expectations. At your age people will be talking; if she goes beyond that age she will be unmarriageable. You need not live to the expectations of society. Be your own self and have your own goals. But your confidence to fight the gossips comes from knowing and understanding why your man needs more time before marriage.

My advice to you is to sit down and talk things through. Get him to explain how he is planning your future together, without showing him any desperation. People can date for more than five years before they decide to settle down. – Gracey

A big fan

Hie Gracey

Im a big fan of your column, as well as Doctor Makumbes. Im a sociology student at a local University and I believe you guys are doing a great job in the advice you are giving. I have seen many of my peers do bad things because they simply lack the advice of someone who cares about them. I dont know how many of them have read your column but Im so sure those who follow it every week have found some good counselling from you. – Cleo

Dear Gracey

I emailed you last month telling you about my cute Science teacher who I suspected had a crush on me. Well, after reading your response I guess it just opened up my mind on how we sometimes get as easily distracted as students. My worry was that if Im to give him a negative response he will end up hating me. But I was audacious enough to meet him after class and I told him I respected him as my teacher and I would like it to stay like that. Surprisingly he was never angry at me and he explained he also liked me just as his student, nothing more like I imagined. We are both cool now. Thanks. – Favourite