Matters of the heart

I love him and he loves me too, we are so in love but the problem is what is going to happen? – Anonymous in S.A

Dear Anonymous in S.A

I cannot tell what is going to happen in the end dear, but I can certainly tell you that Im greatly disappointed. If Im to guess what is going to happen I think there will be a major heartbreak in your family- and this will be your fault. I feel sorry for your sister who will not only be hurt that her husband has been cheating but also that the mistress was her baby sister.

You obviously know what you are doing is wrong and why should you continue following your heart when its dragging you in such a mess?

As much as I encourage people to do what makes them happy it is just morally wrong to do so at the expense of the people we love most.

Fine, you may not love your sister that much, but your conscience alone, which I assume you still have, should give you discomfort – ringing a noisy alarm bell to remind you that you are doing wrong each time you are intimate with this unfaithful man.

You dont need to hurt your sister by confessing; you can at least stop this affair as soon as possible and beg your lover to be committed to his family. If he truly loved you he could have married you by now. I dont think you want to live as some mans mistress for the rest of your life.

Find your own man, get married, start your own family and you will have a life. This is just not healthy! – Gracey

Is he just using me?

Dear Gracey

Im a girl aged 17 and I am dating a 27-year-old man. We started dating mid-March before we broke up and got back together again mid-April. We dont spend time together that much and he doesnt normally call or text like a man who is in love with his girlfriend.

The last time we were together he was forcing me to have sex with him in his car until he gave up because I kept refusing. But he promised that this year he will get me no matter what. Does he really love me or he is after using me? Help me please. – Teenage Girl

Dear Teenage Girl

Oh no dear, this man did not promise you that he will get you no matter what! he threatened you and he certainly sounds like a rapist who is only after using you. Im proud of you for standing up for what you believe in. Of course when couples start a sexual relationship its not always that they sit on a negotiating table and the man or woman begs for it.

With some people it just happens, they just wake up the following morning in each others arms in the same bed. It will be something done at the right time, when you get married, and none of the two parties regrets it.

But when a 27-year-old man takes his 17-year-old girlfriend for granted, does not communicate or assure her of his love in any way and goes on to FORCE her into sex, not in his room but in a car probably parked by the road side, I see it as being disrespectful. This boyfriend of yours is not good enough for you, stay away from him and find someone right for your age.

At this stage you need to be focusing more on building your career, not that you dont need any man to care and love you but you dont need this selfish man to stand in your way to greatness. A loving boyfriend will walk side by side with you, encourage you every step of the way to your success.

A sexual relationship you will be involved in at this stage whether by mutual concern or by force will certainly limit your potential to grow your horizons in your desired career. It will compromise your focus on the most important things of your life and slowly rob you of a deserved bright future. – Gracey

Torn between two men

Dear Gracey

I am a 21-year-old girl in a relationship with a 39-year-old man. I come from a poor background and this man has been sponsoring my education, but no one in the family knows that. He is divorced and I have noticed he loves me so much but sometimes he harasses me taking advantage of all that he has done for me.

I have fallen in love with a 23-year-old man who so loves m. We slept together and he is promising to marry. What do I do now, should I break this old mans heart and live my life feeling bad that I wasted his time and money or should I break up with the young man who said he will commit suicide if I ever do? What can I do, Im in trouble Gracey? – Confused

Dear Confused

I understand the quagmire you are in – but you dont want to live your life as a puppet of others dear one. You certainly do not owe this old man anything, he educated you out of his own kindness and I believe it was not in agreement for exchange of anything. Of course we all appreciate his kindness but if he did it with other motives then that is really bad. Ndokuvhima nemunyu muhomwe ikoko!

You should not feel responsible to pay him back with your love. You have made decisions that are pulling you back in life; first you accepted this mans help without the knowledge of your family and before you end the relationship with the 39-year-old you are already into a sexual relationship with the 23-year-old. That makes things even worse.

What you need to do first is to tell your family about this man, how he has helped you and how he is treating you now. The trick why he has kept this a secret to your family is for you to feel bad when you want to claim your independence in the end.

He is making you his own slave and that is not good. Live your life independently and make the right decisions. You need to stand up against his abuse by telling him the truth. Tell him how you appreciate his help and that accepting it was not an agreement to any marriage proposal.

He is merely your sponsor and not your lover and he has no right detecting what you should do with your life. – Gracey