He tells her that she needs to stay married because otherwise she would hurt her parents by becoming a divorcee. He tells her that she needs to stay because of the children and that her children don’t just need a mother but also a father in the same household together so that they will grow up without the loss she felt as a child.
She tells herself a lot of lies throughout her life’s journey and eventually she loses herself. This is the life of mother of two, Zorodzai Kanyenye, and many other women out there.
Kanyenye says it did not start with physical abuse but with something much more subtle and dangerous. It was a word here and there telling her she wasn’t good, pretty, or sexy enough. That she was cold, stupid, and ugly. She says she used to believe the insults were her fault. “I remember him calling me one day screaming at me over the phone, because I had forgotten to do something he had asked me to do for him,” she says.
She talks about the good years. She recounts the birth of their son and then their daughter five years later. Things changed in their marriage when their daughter was eleven months old. He began to hit her, but she did not call the police nor did she fight back. She would cry and tell him she was sorry that she had made him angry. She lied to herself again and again and said it must have been her, and that she just need to try harder.
“For more than a decade I tried, and tried and tried. I let him take my power, my dignity, and my respect. Not just my respect but also the respect of our children,” says Kanyenye.
She added that the day he put his hand around her neck and shook her like a doll was when she realized that he could kill her, so she left her home, bid farewell to the “good life” and started on a new journey.
Come January of 2006, the divorce was final and since then a new chapter has opened in her life. “My journey is now to heal my children and undo the poison that they saw growing up,” says Kanyenye, “I know it will not be easy. I know I now have time with my son until he becomes a man. And that I may have to let him find his own path through his own years of abuse. But I have to try for his sake”.
As for Kanyenye’s daughter, now 13 years old, she is blossoming and Kanyenye cherishes each moment she sees her. She asks only for respect, and nothing more.
“I will reach my goals to teach my children a different way of life and loving. This is my new life and journey. In many ways it will be painful. But in the long run it will have been worth it,” says Kanyenye. Half of her life is over, lived in the shadow of the monster that is domestic violence, but now the shadow is gone, the monster has been slain, and she will live embrace the sunlight living each day to its fullest. Not just for herself, but for her children.
You will never walk alone
Gone are the days when women were only seen as housewives, mothers, teachers, and nurses, among other stereotypes often attached to them. It’s now high time that every Zimbabwean not just “talk the talk”, but also “walk the walk” of women’s empowerment and wealth creation.
Some traditional views and customs continue to encourage violence and abuse against women; some traditional attitudes defend male perpetrators. There is also a belief that violence against women is acceptable under certain circumstances.
In an interview the Executive Director of Padare/Enkundleni/Men’s Forum on Gender, Kelvin Hazangwi, he explains how his organization will join hands with anyone fighting for women’s rights until women get the respect they deserve.
“Most young boys who grow up to be men take it for granted that they should always assume positions of leadership and undermine the effort of girls and women who are continually denied opportunities to realize their full potential” he said.
He emphasized that men need to listen to what women are saying about male oppression of women and girls in our society and see how they can best change their behaviour towards these people.
Hazangwi also said that his organization will continue to work with various organizations in fighting gender inequalities, adding that women know what they want and should work with men as partners, not as enemies.
The Padare director added that his organization faces a lot of challenges including culture, tradition, and ignorance in a society where life and relations are designed to serve the interests and needs of men at the expense of women.
“Too often, boys and young men are exposed to examples of sexist behaviour. We are taught to equate masculinity with the use of dominance and violence against women, [and] this behaviour is met with silence and tolerated by other men. This serves to normalize gender inequalities and negative stereotypes”.
In another good development, some Gender Ministers have invited the representatives of the Men’s Forum to their respective countries so that they can visit and share their experiences with their male compatriots.
This invitation has shown the good work being done by Padare/Enkundleni in the fight against gender inequality and negative stereotyping in our society.
Post published in: Politics