Here we discuss a few principles that can act as guidelines for couples to effectively manage the extended family. These are, by no means, fool-proof, nor do they apply readily to all married couples at all times.
It is up to each couple to decide on what will work for them given their peculiar circumstances. However, we have found most of these principles very helpful in our own marriage.
1. Comply with Gen. 2.24, which reads, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Make both sides of the extended family understand that the two of you are now a family in your own right. They should not interfere in your matters except by invitation.
2. Discuss the likely needs of both sides of the extended family and agree on what level of support you can afford to provide.
3. Avoid all attempts to equalize the support given to the two sides as this is likely to cause numerous problems for the marriage. Treat each case on its merits and after discussing the issues involved.
4. Identify the difficult personalities on both sides of your extended family and discuss how best to handle them.
5. Both spouses should know what financial assistance you as a couple are providing to the extended family. It is best to agree on the amounts beforehand.
6. You are better off giving and not lending to the extended family to avoid sour relations when they fail to repay you.
7. Always tell the extended family that you cannot make the decision alone; you have to consult your spouse first.
8. The wife’s relative should approach her and the husband’s relatives should approach him for financial support from the family. Then the two spouses should discuss the matter and agree on what to do. This may not suit some families but it ensures that the extended family does not play one spouse against the other.
9. As far as possible, ensure collective decision making on matters relating to the extended family. This will prevent undue suspicion and subsequent bitterness. Remember, bitterness blocks blessings.
10. Adopt a fair approach in terms of living with the extended family. Avoid discrimination or preferential treatment as far as possible.
11. Do not name your children after members of the extended family nor allow members of the extended family to name your children. Parents have the sole responsibility of naming their own children.
12. Avoid making the extended family raise your children. Visits to grandparents should be short-term only otherwise children will grow up with distorted value systems.
13. Spouses should avoid talking ill of their partners with their extended family members. A spouse who talks ill of their spouse behind his/her back is negating his/her marriage.
14. Mothers in-law need to be assisted to let go of their offspring once they get married. Sons who remain close to their mothers after marriage run the risk of ruining their marriage.
15. If possible, avoid using members of the extended family as house help. The wife’s younger sister is not necessarily the best maid for your family. The husband’s baby brother does not necessarily make the best gardener.
Post published in: Opinions & Analysis