Dear Aunty Lisa
I have been married to my wife for two years now and we have a daughter together. She has not been honest with me ever since we were dating. I only discovered that she was married before the day I went to pay for lobola when her relatives let the cat out of the bag. I understood that it may have been difficult for her to tell me since we didn’t have much time together with me working in South Africa. But the problem is coming now when she is starting to cheat on me.
I have seen text messages in her phone from her ex and whenever I bring up the issue she becomes rude and accuses me of mistrust. Every time her phone rings in my presence she either hangs up or avoids me before she answers. The other time I answered her phone while she was bathing a male voice suddenly told me it was a wrong number before hanging up. I have been a good husband to her and a good father to our daughter. I have no doubt she is cheating on me, recently she has been coming home from work very late, I am now getting home before her and she tells me that I’m such a control-freak when I complain. I no longer know what to do. Getting a divorce is what is best for us but I’m afraid it will be the start of an emotional chain of events for my daughter. I’m confused and I’m now thinking of having a small house. – Danny
Dear Danny
I understand your concern but if it is that obvious that what you have with your wife is not meant to be, you need to wear the pants and be man enough to confront her, get her to tell all that is happening behind the scenes.
It is logical to consider what your daughter will go through emotionally if you are to be separated or divorced, but I’m afraid a child is not the reason one can imprison himself in an unhappy marriage. Cheating may have deadly consequences and it is a pity when innocent people like you are caught in the cross-fire.
I’m sorry to put it so bluntly but you don’t really want to become a martyr for your daughter. People don’t grow old together in marriage just because they have children together but more importantly because they love each other.
You can still be a good father to your daughter even if you are going to divorce your wife and end up not living with her (your daughter).
Having a small house is not the solution. If you no longer love your wife you need to end your marriage first before you start seeing someone else because you will be unfaithful to your wife regardless of what she is doing to you – two wrongs don’t make a right.
But of course before concluding on getting a divorce you need to make sure that it is what both of you want. Sit down with her and let her know that because of her actions you are considering divorce. You may be surprised that it will probably be a rude awakening, which will be what she needs to change.
Get her to communicate. It is important that you know why she is cheating on you. Communication is the key to a successful marriage and you need it to unlock all mysteries that are unfolding in your marriage to know what is wrong and be able to mend it. I wish you the best. – Aunty Lisa
Can’t trust a player
Dear Aunty Lisa
I’m 23 and just found out that the guy I started dating last week is a well-known soccer player. He is caring and there is really nothing that I can say he is bad at. My problem is that I’m failing to trust him, soccer players have been known to be womanisers. Peter Ndlovu proved to be a player on and off the soccer pitch. Maybe it goes with the fame. Musicians and politicians are also like that. I know it’s wrong to assume that this person will hurt my feelings when he has never done anything wrong, but I feel like I will be risking my heart by trusting him. Although I love him, I know there is no relationship that can grow without trust, what should I do? – Rumbi
Dear Rumbi
You are quite right to say that no relationship can stand without trust. I believe when two people start a relationship trust for one another is earned as they go along. You should not assume things that have not occurred, you must not judge people because of what other people in their profession do.
I know you can give so many examples of soccer players who are promiscuous but one bad apple must not spoil the whole lot. Just like in any profession there are certain stereotypes. Football is no exception. People say journalists and politicians are good liars, they say accountants are crooks and that combi drivers are dirty. But there are many who are not.
You will do fine in your love life. Your relationship with this man will grow and be a shining example of true love if you appreciate him as an individual and do not label him by his profession. We have players like Justice Majabvi, Energy Murambadoro and Edward Sadomba who are living happily with their families. So you should not paint all players with the same brush.
If you feel you love your man, give him a chance to prove to you that he is trustworthy and don’t judge him with what you fear may happen. – Aunty Lisa
Too young for polygamy
Dear Aunty Lisa
I have impregnated two women who are on the verge of eloping right now. I’m 27 and I cannot deal with both women at the same time, I’m too young to be a polygamist. Life is just appearing unfair just to me alone right now. What can I do really? – Double Trouble
Dear D. Trouble
You have been totally irresponsible and the only thing for you to do here is to be man enough and take responsibility for your actions. Life can seem unfair at times but it depends from which angle one is looking at things. In your case I can say it is only you my brother who has been unfair to your life.
You need to sit down with each of the women and let them know of the other before they move in with you. Otherwise the noble thing there is for you to do is to welcome them both and take it from there. I understand having two wives in your life may have not been one of your dreams but at this point you can only pray that one of them gets fed up with the situation and refuses to move in.
The other option is that you can sit down with the woman you don’t wish to spend the rest of your life with and confess this mess you have put yourself into. You then politely explain to her why you think you can’t marry her and assure her that you will be responsible for all the baby’s needs.
As much as it will hurt them both they deserve to know the truth before moving in with you. If you chose to live with one or none of them, remember to stick to one partner in future and take care of your babies. – Aunty Lisa
Post published in: Lifestyle