Matters of heart

Dear Aunty Lisa

I think my husband is seeing someone. He is home late these days, something that never happened before our second child was born just six months ago. He never used to bury himself in his mobile phone, receiving Whatsapp messages frequently after working hours. He is no longer dedicating much time to us.

He used to leave his phone lying around but nowadays it’s either in his pocket or between his fingers as he continuously sends text messages. I love my family, the last thing I want to see is us breaking apart; I want this marriage to work. The thought that there may be someone in his life haunts me every day. What do you suggest I do to find out the truth? – Mama Jack

Dear Mama Jack

I am happy you have not jumped to the conclusion that your husband is cheating though you seem to have every reason to suspect that because of the way he has changed. You suggested that this change of behaviour started after your baby was born. The fact that you are probably busy with the baby may find you giving all the attention to the baby at the expense of the special man in your life.

Of course no man can ever ask his wife to choose between him and their baby, that is probably why he may have chosen not to talk about it. But it doesn’t mean he will not feel a little jealous of the baby for grabbing all your attention. You need to make some time for him and make sure that you are not concentrating on being only a mother and forgetting to be a wife. Also encourage him to take a more active role in enjoying and caring for the baby.

If he is cheating that is dangerous for your health in this world where the HIV/Aids pandemic is a serious threat to all who are promiscuous. But you can only know if you make time for him and talk to him about how you feel. It’s not good to miss someone you are living with in the same room. Communication is key in every relationship. Suspecting your husband of cheating without concrete evidence will expose your lack of trust – so make sure you don’t hint any of that when talking to him. He needs to know that you feel that he has changed, start it from there and you both discuss and find out why. – Aunty Lisa

Who’s the boss?

Dear Aunty Lisa

I’m a young married man aged 21, my wife is 18 and we have a daughter who is one-year-old. Yeah I know we moved too fast, I get that a lot. We may be too young to be parents but it was a mistake we made and I know I can make up for it by continuing to be a good husband and father that I have been for the past year.

My problem is that my mother-in-law has more decision-making powers than me in whatever we do. Each time my wife visits her, she comes back a changed person, sometimes demanding things she knows we can’t afford and calling me useless at times. It’s quite obvious she is having a bad influence from her single mother. I love my wife and I want this marriage to go a long way, but how can that be possible when there is someone destroying what I’m trying to build? – Tonde

Dear Tonde

There is nothing worth fighting for more than the heart of the person you love. I like your attitude in wanting to make right what could have been the worst mistake of your life. It’s good to knowing that at your age you know that you need to take responsibility of your wife and kid and are willing to do so.

Your mother-in-law seems to be bad news and obviously she has the idea that you are too young to be making big decisions. What you need to do is sit down with your wife and explain things to her. She needs to know that if your marriage is going to work the first thing she needs to do is accept that she is no longer mama’s little girl. She is now a mother and wife who needs to stand by her husband and plan your future together. There will be times you need advice from your mother-in-law or other adults, but she needs to know that the final decision rest in both of you as a couple.

It is also your responsibility to support your wife emotionally, give her the confidence she needs that whatever problems you face you are in them together. You need to show her that no matter how “too young” people say you are, you will fight like a real man to support your family. She needs to know that it’s no longer time to rely on her mother – but on her husband and its only you who can change that. – Aunty Lisa

Money worries

Dear Aunty Lisa

I’m a 24-year-old woman who is committed to a 27-year-old man. He has proposed to marry me and I’m considering accepting his proposal. But my major worry is that he is not very stable financially, he has just started work after University and the company he is working for does not pay him well as he is inexperienced. How then is he going to take care of our financial needs if we get married? Do I have a genuine worry or I should just marry him because I love him so much? – Mandy

Dear Mandy

Marriage is not all heaven on earth dear one. If you wish to avoid most marriage problems, ask yourself the question “Am I ready for marriage?” before taking your vows. Many people step into marriage just because they feel that they are running past the right age for marriage, while others commit to the relationship because all their friends are doing the same!

The best way to avoid marital problems is to enter into it only when you feel that you have found your soul mate and are ready to fulfil the responsibilities and obligations that come with it. Despite this measure, couples are bound to face problems but it is important to identify them and solve them together. They keep cropping up every now and then. But major problems usually start as minor ones which, if not recognized and corrected in good time, may become severe enough to deal that final blow to one’s marriage.

People think marriage is all about love. Feelings and respect for the other are definitely the most important aspects of any relationship, be it marriage or friendship. However, let’s be realistic, money plays a big role in today’s world. So, yes you have a genuine cause for concern. But that should not stop you from marring the man you truly love.

It is important that you both discuss your future together and begin that journey mapping your steps before you take them. I understand your man may not be heavily paid at the moment, but it is also important to consider the potential he has in future. – Aunty Lisa