Our marriage is based on love, respect, sharing, honesty, laughter and understanding of each another, our families and our two children. These values have been the anchors of our relationship and we cherish them.
Being married to a feminist is being married to a unique human being – God’s creation with God-given capabilities. My understanding of feminism is advocacy for equality between men and women on all possible fronts. I believe that anyone blessed with human intelligence is capable of excelling in whatever they do. That capacity is God-given. Unfortunately, it seems not all people see it that way.
Some believe women are inferior to men. Others erroneously perceive feminists to be man-haters. Those who believe women are every bit as able as men, and should be afforded equal opportunity, are often scorned. Through being married to a feminist I have come to realise that misconceptions about feminism are erroneous and based on lack of understanding.
My family was receptive and happy about our marriage, but they believed that I, as the man, would lead and make the major decisions about my new family. In the beginning, my mom and the larger family could not understand why Doo was not using my surname – why she was not Mrs Zulu. Doo explained to my mum that Aphane is her real identity just like my mother’s real identity was not Zulu, adding that they were, in fact, the only non-Zulus in the household.
She pointed out that whether one wants to change one’s surname or not is a matter of choice. As the years went on, Mom enjoyed being called Kwena (her maiden name). Our children call her Kwena and we still use that name to this day. I recall when we were drafting the epitaph for her tombstone, Doo insisted that we also write her birth surname, arguing that future generations should also know her maiden name and be able to trace their lineage. My mum’s brother was very happy with that.
My parents also expected my wife to wear a headscarf, which is the traditional dress code for a makoti (bride) whenever we were home – but Doo had other ideas. It was through dialogue and open minds that we were able to engage them on these issues and come to a peaceful understanding. The advantage we had was that Mom and Dad always looked at an issue from several angles and gave careful consideration to a situation before taking a decision – so after much dialogue reason prevailed over feelings and stereotypes. They realised that it is not the dress code or the surname that brings unity to a family but love, respect and understanding.
Dad was a very humorous Zulu. He would deliberately engage Doo in many gender debates. They would argue and laugh and when he ran out of reasons to argue his case, he would conclude by saying “sazalwa kunje, sathola kunje” (it was like this when we were born, it was the order of the day). Needless to say, Doo takes every opportunity to espouse her feminist principles and demonstrate why the status quo should change.
Despite all the doubts and reservations that my extended family members had about our ‘way of doing things’, they appreciated the relationship we had forged as a family. My wife embraced her role as a makoti but this did not undermine her feminist principles. And as time progressed, this balance gained her the respect of the extended family. Through her resolute activism for women’s rights, she has won the hearts of many in the family.
In raising our children, Doo and I happily share our parenting duties and responsibilities. No one task is specifically mine or hers. This is one of the joys of life, for both parents to raise their children together and have equal input into their lives.
Time and again, I get indirect questions about my wife’s thinking and her views. A prominent professional once warned me that Doo was ‘waking up sleeping dogs’. Occasionally, people hold their breath when I am introduced to them and they learn that I am the husband of Doo Aphane. Indeed, there was one instance that still makes me laugh to this day. We were eating out with friends when the conversation turned to relationships. Doo started airing her feminist views on relationships and one of them asked her if feminists can have relationships with men! At which point my friend said “Here is Doo’s husband” pointing at me. I cannot explain the man’s reaction and the laughter that followed.
We are a family that likes to entertain and frequently have people visit us. Sometimes people voice their amazement about our ‘normal’ lifestyle and express delight over Doo’s cooking and home-making skills. This conflicts with their stereotypical view of feminists – that they must be sloppy around the home simply because they champion women’s rights.
For me, one of the main benefits of being married to a feminist is not having to bear the burden of making all the decisions just because I am the man in the relationship. We can enjoy individual independence yet still appreciate the sense of security our mutual dependency gives us. Independence enables both of us to pursue our choices, within the framework of our marriage. Most importantly, no one is short-changed because of gender differences. I am in a marriage where each partner contributes according to his or her ability, not according to societal expectations. I find it refreshing because it enables me and my wife to be just who we are. I believe in fairness and equality and I am happy that we have raised our children on these good principles.
How many capable girl-children have been systematically steered into ‘lesser’ professions because no one believed that they were as capable as their male counterparts? Think of the benefits to humanity if all these girls were to be allowed to realise their potential. The loser is the individual, family and community at large. Discrimination of any form is wasteful. When we can all develop and use our skills and talents regardless of gender, (or any other form of discrimination) then the community, nation and indeed the world are the winners because all of us – and not just a fraction of the population – can contribute, benefiting ourselves and others.
I fully supported Doo when she took the Government of Swaziland to court in 2009 because the system still denied women married in community of property the right to register title deeds in their name. Doo won her case – enabling us and other couples to jointly own property.
I will continue to support Doo in her endeavours for the sake of a better life for all. If the truth be spoken, many people have benefited – and continue to benefit – from the work of feminists like Doo. But, sadly, few are willing to acknowledge the contribution feminists have made towards improving their lives.
I am proud of my wife and her passionate feminist beliefs that every-one should be given equal opportunities and equal status in life. – BUWA! – Feminism and Culture
Post published in: News