Dear Aunty Lisa
I am a 25 years old and the only woman in my department at work. Men I work with are always criticising me for “not being ashamed.” It’s been a month since I started this job and it is my first after finishing college last June. I love what I do but I hate the attitude of the people I work with. This is the job I trained for and I would love to gain experience here, how do I get used to this unacceptable behaviour from my workmates? – Lilly
Dear Lilly
Know that in life you will not always meet people who will shower you with praise. Be ready to accept constructive criticism and ignore that which is not. Know your goals and work towards achieving them. You say you want experience – so you are not there to make friends. Although we all wish for a friendly environment where people are supportive, it will not always be the case.
People may try to discourage you because of many reasons. Some will feel threatened by your potential; others are just selfish and want to be the only ones in the limelight. Low self-esteem also causes people to downplay others. They try to blow out the bright light of others so that their fading flames can be noticed.
Be motivated – they obviously feel threatened by your existence. Take it as a test of your character and once you pass it you will be stronger. What they want is for you to give up and I know you are not going to hand them that victory without a fight. And once they retreat, remember to keep shining and doing your best in representing not only yourself but all women out there. – Aunty Lisa
You deserve the truth
Aunty Lisa
I have been dating this man for five weeks. We have so much in common. He is very successful and is always there for me. But I have been hearing rumours that he is married. He has never picked my calls at night and always explains that he is too tired. I have believed him because of his demanding job. But I remember one day that a woman answered my call when I tried reaching him around 2am. I did not say anything but hung up. He told me it was his sister. I don’t want to end up falling deeply in love with someone I can’t have. It will be bad for him to know that I don’t trust him if I confront him. What do you suggest please? – Confused Dee
Dear Confused Dee
This has nothing to do with trust and it will be sad if he takes it that way. You deserve to know the truth and you are not wrong to ask him for it. You need to sit down with him and explain how important it is for you to know where you both stand. He should understand and appreciate the fact that you will be confronting him for clarity and not other people. You need to know where he stays and visit him. Be friends with his “sister” or at least have someone from his family know that you two are dating. It is my hope that one of them can tell you the truth about his marital status if he is lying about it. – Aunty Lisa
Teenage mistakes
Dear Aunty Lisa
I am a mother to a teenage boy who I am afraid to lose control of. Last week he sneaked out of the house to go to a party with his friends when I had denied him permission to go. I was so angry that I beat him up and he is still angry with me. I don’t want my son to hate me but seeing him think that he is old enough to make his own decision disappoints me.
I know the mistakes teenagers are bound to make and I don’t want my son to end up regretting something I could have helped him avoid. What am I supposed to say to him now, sorry I was wrong? I know I was not and it’s a pity that may be what he is expecting from me right now. What can I do for him to understand that I did it out of love? – C.C
Dear C.C
What you are trying to achieve is an insurmountable task. We cannot control our kids forever, especially when they start growing into men and women. There are times we need to let go a bit and allow them to learn to make important decisions in their lives – with some help and guidance, of course.
Just like we cheer them on as toddlers learning to walk and support them when they are about to fall, we need to show them the good and bad side of things and give them a chance to decide. We support them when they make mistakes and teach them how to learn from them.
Your son believes he is now a man and treating him like the boy he still is will hurt him and result in hatred. You need not lie to him that he is now a man but he needs to know that you acknowledge he is no longer a boy. Do not be too strict with him. I see nothing wrong with a teenage boy partying with other teenagers. He just needs to be advised and educated on the bad results of taking alcohol, being sexually active and peer pressure.
If having him away frightens you, you can at least create an environment where he can bring his friends home. Have him to invite his friends for a braai, party or watching movies at your home. He needs to feel that you trust him and he will want to give you reasons to keep that trust.
You were wrong but you had your reasons and there are many ways of apologising to someone without saying the words “I was wrong.” You need to apologise for beating him. You did so because you were just too angry that he had disobeyed. That is what you need to tell him. Make peace with him and let him know how much you love him. He needs to know that he is allowed to go out and have fun with friends – but teach him where to draw the line.
What you don’t want is your son avoiding you, and being the last person to know when he is having problems. – Aunty Lisa
Post published in: Lifestyle