Matters of heart

Accused of rape

Dear Aunty Lisa

My daughter is dating a young man who was accused of rape two years ago. He was not taken to court and charged of anything but no one is sure if he is innocent. Now I am worried about my daughter. Is she safe with someone like that? – A.J

Dear A.J

Is your daughter safe with someone like what? I understand the guy was just accused, probably by someone who did not take her matter up to the police because she knew she was not telling the truth. This is a very difficult situation but, do not judge him from what you have heard. You can talk to your daughter and advise her to be careful whom she dates. How she can be careful is something you need to teach her as well.

She needs to know the person’s background before committing herself into the relationship. Some rapists are walking around who have not been accused or charged for their crimes – but does that make them innocent? You cannot choose a husband for your daughter, but as a mother you can be there to guide her and make sure she is not falling for an uncaring man. – Aunty Lisa

No male role model

Dear Aunty Lisa

My ten-year-old son loves cooking. Sometimes he even enjoys helping me with the laundry and all household work. His father passed away eight years ago. There is no man in the house for him to look up to and learn manly jobs. Some women have suggested to me that the situation is not good for him as a boy because this will cause him to be gay when he grow up. What do I do? – Madhuve

Dear Madhuve

The women who talked to you are very malicious. I do not know where they got the crazy idea that your son will be gay because he is helping with household work. In fact, it is the mother of all silly theories I have ever heard. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your son helping out. If he ever chooses to be gay it will not be because you would have groomed him to be.

Children tend to look up to the adults of the same sex in many families and this is why boys tend to want to behave like their fathers and girls grow up loving to look feminine and all pretty. It will not be surprising to find a girl who grew up with her father being a tomboy. It does not mean she is a lesbian. She is just human. There is absolutely nothing wrong with men cooking and doing laundry. If there was anything wrong with that then you could start worrying. But your boy will actually grow up to respect women because he will value the domestic work and how women need help in the home. – Aunty Lisa

Too young for ‘the pill’

Dear Aunty Lisa

I have a 12-year-old daughter and one day my husband and I were listening to the radio and we responded differently to the suggestion that children from the age of nine should be introduced to contraceptives. My husband was totally against it.

But I felt he was being emotional about it for nothing. We are living in denial that these kids are not sexually active at a young age and in the end they get unplanned pregnancy and contract sexually transmitted diseases. May you please give me your thoughts and advise how I can convince my husband that it is a good idea. – Mai Two

Dear Mai Two

I don’t honestly believe it is a good idea and so it is not possible for me to tell you how to convince your husband. Introducing contraceptives to our young kids is some sort of encouragement to them to be sexually active. Of course it will be a measure to try and prevent the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy to those who are active. But what is the message we are sending to those who are not?

Are we saying “Kids of your age are now doing it; so don’t ever feel awkward if you want to do it too!” It will be evidence that we have failed to advise our kids to abstain as a nation. Yes it is happening, but we can stop it by other means like sex education, rather than legitimising it by handing our kids condoms, family-planning pills etc.

It was a measure suggested by the authorities, but it is something I find difficult to believe that such learned people would sit down and agree on. You can engage your daughter in sex education and help her know the implications of being sexually active at such a young age – such as getting pregnant with no mature experience of being a mother and how the responsibilities will hinder her from following her dreams. – Aunty Lisa

Mean girls crew

I am friends with two women I went to High School with. Now we are all married but I don’t like the behaviour of my friends. When I am not with them they say things behind my back. Even if I am with one of them she says bad things about the absent friend. Life to them is all about competition; who has the husband with the most prestigious job, whose house is the bomb and who is driving the best car among us. I find the truth rude, should I tell each of them what is said of her by the other? How do I deal with this? – Queen Bee

Dear Queen Bee

Your name seems to suggest that you consider yourself the boss of this “Mean Girls” crew, which shows you approve of the competition and you see yourself as the winner. But you don’t seem to like it at the same time. Well, what I can simply tell you is that you three are not friends. Friends don’t say bad things about each other behind their backs.

Just sit them down and explain that if you are to be friends you need to stop this gossiping business. You need to also stop taking everything as a competition, each one of you needs to live within her means and appreciate the life she is living without comparing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you saying this to them and you make sure that you believe in what you are saying and it goes on to apply to you as well. As friends you should be encouraging each other and standing by each other’s side whenever one is in a difficult time. – Aunty Lisa

Post published in: Lifestyle

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