Matters of the heart

Tell her the truth

Dear Aunty Lisa

I am a Zimbabwean man in South Africa and I read the paper and your column made me think of asking you something. There is a young South African woman I have been friends with for some time now and she seems not to understand that I only want her as a friend. I mean she seems to be looking forward to taking this friendship to the next step.

She comes and cooks for me, does my laundry and spends the whole day at my flat until I chase her home for the reason that it will be late. I see her as my friend and I don’t anticipate anything more. How do I deal with her because she comes to my room to do all the stuff for me and I am afraid she will be disappointed or I will end up in a relationship I am not committed to? – Tongai

Dear Tongai

You need to be open with this friend of yours. Communication is important – she may not be expecting a love relationship at all. Maybe she is just being helpful without necessarily saying that she needs your love in return.

So, it’s difficult to directly tell her that you do not have feelings for her because she has not said anything along those lines. But sit her down and just talk to her about what a good friend she is and how you appreciate her. Let her know that you would like to be best friends forever but that is all.

Swimming along with the tide and letting yourself slide into a relationship you do not subscribe to will be cruel, she needs to know the truth no matter how painful. – Aunty Lisa

Should I play the dirty game?

Dear Aunty Lisa

I dream to be a politician but I have heard so much about how it is a “dirty game.” I am a young lady still in school, I have great leadership skills and I have been selected as a prefect in primary and secondary school. I have recently been picked to be the head girl for my school next year. What personal skills do I need to learn for such a career? – Honourable Rita

Dear Honourable

I will not lie that politics is an easy field that you will fit into smoothly. It is a harsh field for both men and women and if you are not a strong woman geared to tackle every challenge you will not go far. Yes, they call it a dirty game because of the tricks and propaganda politicians spread to convince the people that their way is the right way.

You need to know what you want and want is so badly that you will not let go, it is important to have passion for politics if you feel this should be your destiny. Having an interest will not work – you need passion. You also need to be a good leader and be able to interact with people.

For the simple reason that men dominate politics you will find people who will think that you are pursuing the impossible. There are women politicians who have made it and represented the people well – but we definitely need more. Your dream is not an impossible one. – Aunty Lisa

Too friendly at work

Dear Aunty Lisa

I am a 30-year-old woman married for two years and I hate the fact that my husband is being a very close friend with his workmate –a woman. I do not like the idea and my husband thinks that I am just being jealous and failing to trust him. They work together and I fear they may end up dating. – Loyce

Dear Loyce

You need to trust your husband my dear, unless he has given you a reason not to trust him before. Understand that he is not living in a vacuum. He will always meet other women when he is not with you. Your husband may be in meetings with several women; some who will even find him attractive and smile a lot to him to capture his attention.

You can certainly never avoid that, unless you lock him in your home. My point is, what happens at work should end there. You need to appreciate that your husband needs to be in good relations with other women at work for his job to be done. It will not mean that he is having an affair.

Show him that you trust him and he will respect that trust and live not to betray it, but if you show him that you do not trust him with other women he may not see any reason to remain faithful. If he says they are friends at work you need to learn to respect that. Their friendship should not cross the line of your home if you are not comfortable with it and you can actually discuss and agree that with him. – Aunty Lisa

Sex every day

Dear Aunty Lisa

My wife refuses me my conjugal rights when I get home. I paid lobola for her and she still decided not to sleep with me when she chooses. She has come up with excuses that she is tired from work and that she will not be feeling well. She has never given me reasons to think that she is cheating, so I don’t think she is but I need her to be able to satisfy my needs because I married her.

I have asked my friends for advice and some have told me to tell her that I will just deal with prostitutes. She does not seem to be moved by that and sometimes I think of actually doing it to punish her. Is a man wrong for wanting to be intimate with his wife every day? – Tom Thomas

Dear Tom Thomas

I don’t see how you will punish your wife by having an extra-marital affair. In this day and age where HIV/AIDS is such a big threat to people’s lives, you will not only be putting only your wife’s life on the line but yours as well. You just don’t want to do that. Do not take lobola as the right for you to do whatever you want with your wife. You begin to sound as if your wife is some sort of asset you bought and you should do whatever you feel like with IT. Yes we marry to be intimate with our loved ones – but marriage is not a guarantee that a man or woman will have sex every day. You need to accept that some days your wife will not be feeling like it, if you can put her in the mood then good for you. But if she is not feeling well or not in the right sense of mind; then you need to respect her No.

However, it will be cruel for your wife to push you away for no reason. You need to talk to her and make sure you two understand each other. It is not healthy to work on assumptions in marriage. Do not assume things and react on your assumptions, neither should your wife not open up to you. You need to understand each other and know your likes and dislikes while being intimate, then you know how exactly you can satisfy each other.

Marriage is always a compromise – we all have to learn not to be selfish and to be reasonable with each other. – Aunty Lisa

Post published in: Lifestyle

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