I met my girlfriend in November 2013 and developed a strong desire to share the rest of my life with a home girl. The following month, December, she moved in to stay with me as husband and wife. When we first met, she told me that she was mother to one child. I did not bother her with questions regarding how she got the child.
She voluntarily lied to me that she got pregnant while at school and the father of the child had been so abusive that she failed to stand it. One day one of my wife’s sisters unknowingly chatted with me on Whatsapp thinking it was her sister as I was using my wife’s mobile phone. I was in South Africa and my wife’s sister was in Zimbabwe.
When I asked her how my baby girl was doing, the sister revealed that she had met my wife’s ex-husband recently, when he was looking for a primary school place for my wife’s first-born child with him. My wife never revealed to me that she had two children. When I asked her about this other child, she said it belonged to her late sister whose husband she was made to marry according to African culture.
She said the child was a few months old when the mother died. She went on to tell me that her mother had pleaded with her not to tell me anything about the child. Her lies turned me off since I can no longer identify the truth from falsehoods from whatever she tells me. I fear she could have given me wrong identities about herself. What should I do Aunty since I am confused? – Anonymous
It is a tricky situation, you went into this relationship and decided to move in together so fast before getting to know each other. You rushed it – yet you barely knew the truth about each other. One thing is clear, you no longer trust this woman and since you are not being open with her you both are being secretive.
You don’t seem to sit down with each other and talk about what it is that is bothering you. That is crucial in every relationship – especially if there are problem areas. You needed to ask her everything about her past from the beginning – but you never seemed interested. There are people who are not good at saying everything about their past without being asked. It is a way of lying that most people find polite, they later on blame the next person for never asking.
Your partner needed to tell you everything from the beginning. The feeling of being cheated by not being told is the one that is now constantly bringing in elements of doubt in whatever she says, which is bad for this relationship. Both of you need to correct the mistakes you have done in not being open to each other from the beginning. Play a game – take a day to pretend you are meeting for the first time. Introduce yourselves to one another and tell each other about yourselves and your past, include all the nitty-gritties.
A relationship without trust can survive, but it is not a healthy one. One of the partners always feels like putting the other on a leash, gets worried where he/she is, in whose company and what they are doing. This is why you need to start again, get to know each other and get each other to be confident enough to share everything about your lives. – Aunty LisaPost published in: Lifestyle